'Fluidity' by Ravyn LaRue

I'm not feeling well today, physically
But I still went to class (of course)
And I still decided to stop at a coffee-shop on my way home
Because I have a multitude of poems to write
About this weekend, since lots happened
All day today I've caught my reflections in glass
And every time, I think-
"Well, I sure look good for someone who feels this awful"
And I've also been "mistaken" for a guy thrice
It's weird because I identify as gender queer who prefers female pronouns
Because, like Joe and I were talking about the other day, gender roles are stale and awful
I wanna cosplay as Hedwig one of these days, but that's another story
But as I mentioned, it's weird that I say "mistaken" for a guy
Since I don't give a damn about gender roles, but when people call me him and he-
My mind loves yelling, "HEY I'M NOT THAT"
I was drafting a poem in my head last night
That went a little something like this-
My life is a huge mess of-
"I don't know what on earth I'm gonna do with this, but I must keep going"
Writing, drawing, performing-
Life itself-
It all applies
I was wondering last night if I'm agnostic
Since I believe there's a God and I have a faith of sorts
But I have no neat little label for it
So with Spirituality and Gender and the Art I want to make
I have some semblance of knowing what I am
But it's a whole huge metaphysical mess that I can't just identify with a word
I am certainly in a transition period in my life
Because my identity isn't as simple as it used to be
And I'm becoming uneasy with my vast spectralness
Cause it's easier to say I'm a female Catholic than this odd thing I actually am
I tried to change my gender on Facebook to Gender Queer/Gender Fluid with "She's" and "Hers"
But it hasn't yet updated, and neither has my mind
We were talking in Women's Studies about "X: a Fabulous Child's Story"
And I've mentioned that's how I want to raise a kid
But I want them to be named, and that's a difficulty in and of itself
So I was brainstorming gender-neutral names I actually like
And I came up with Jackie, but the only Male who I can think of named Jackie is Jackie Robinson
And he existed ages ago, but still it's something
My child may change their name entirely if they decide upon a binary identity
I don't even know, I'm just thinking of things in the distant hypothetical future
Whereas I should be focusing on the here and now
Because I feel like I should soul-search to find my specific little identity boxes
But then I feel like I should instead be fine with not having clear answers for what I am
Because that isn't really vital, at least in my mind
I can be fluid and queer in all the ways possible if that is what I feel
So it seems entirely counter-productive to act as if I have to be a certain thing
That'd be just as unhelpful as any other sort of this-or-that system
For instance this isn't even a poem
It's more of a rant
But it's also sort of poetic, at least in my mind
So I'm cool with calling it a poem
Even though it's somewhere else on the spectrum, most likely
My tongue is numb, and that has nothing to do with the rest of this
But it means I cannot taste my hot chocolate
Which is really a nuisance
And I should start another poem
Since I think this has sort of had an arch, maybe