'Poesia Sito' by Ravyn LaRue

Sometimes I wonder
Does she still read my poems here
I hope she still does

'She Paints Herself' by Ravyn LaRue

Lilly's ghost has painted herself
It's a defense mechanism
She knows she oughtn't feel so hollow
She knows things mustn't be as bad as she sees them
And they aren't, of course
She still paints herself
And throws herself crying into strangers's arms
She'll get herself killed that way
Lilly's ghost claims she isn't afraid anymore
Though she's never been more fearful
She paints herself to cover it up
She paints herself so pretty

'dearborn avenue chicago illinois' by Ravyn LaRue

Sometimes I think
You don't deserve all the cute love poetry I write for you
I know the poems aren't the greatest
But neither are you, now a days
Still and regardless-
I always end up writing things for and about you
I suppose I shouldn't complain
You do that enough for both of us

'Dreaming of the Dolphin's Song' by Ravyn LaRue

She's still so dumb, isn't she?
At least her life right now will be memorable-
All those interesting failures
All that idiotic behavior-
I hope she won't stay stupid forever
Heaven knows, she's been this way long enough

'4.56 out of 5' by Ravyn LaRue

I can't see how people can't embroider their blogs with humor
I know I like crying
But I also like laughing
And often times it's a thin line between the two
Perhaps thats why I so adore funny people
They're the most beautiful, I think

'Kembar Kutha' by Ravyn LaRue

I'm writing better poetry now that I'm back in Minnesota
At least that's what it feels like
And that means a lot to me
I know quality is debatable
But my own emotions really are not
And my poetry feels pretty here
That's a really good thing

'Lovely Settledownish Life' by Ravyn LaRue

I'm listening to Ravens Land by Voltaire
And watching my puppy play with her toys
And drinking tea made by my mum
And soon I'll take a bath
And then I'll go get coffee
I missed this sort of such while I was far away

'Fuck Sybil' by Ravyn LaRue

I swore for real in front of my mum-
For the first time in ages-
Because the movie of 'Sybil' was on-
And that book is so unhappy-
In a completely unfulfilling way-
That I didn't want to see a second of it brought to life-
On the silver screen or the little box of a TV we have-
I know my hate seems irrational, but I really loathe it

'Költemény' by Ravyn LaRue

I like calling the things I make poetry
It sounds so pretty
I know I might just be kvetching
Or making sense of what is already obvious
But calling it poetry sounds so nice

'But You'll Miss Saint Paul Before You Could Unpack' by Ravyn LaRue

I don't know how I could ever leave this place
My past was woven here
And though some parts hurt like hell
The good made up for it and more
So the fact that I ever left baffles me
Though I did and I'm back
And so that middle bit can be forgotten
As soon as I've written thoroughly about the hurt I felt
And I know that may take years
But at least I'm safe now

'Cyffredinol' by Ravyn LaRue

It's probably not good
To adopt a person
As your makeshift surrogate parent
Without telling them first
But it's too late now
I suppose
And I don't think he'd mind, anyways

'Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Minnesota' by Ravyn LaRue

I see photos online of Minnesota
And it feels like childhood
And nostalgia
And beauty more beautiful than anything
But I pass it in the car
And it just seems normal
And comfortable
It feels like home, in a relaxed way
But in a way
Isn't that beauty more beautiful than anything?

'Girls Full of Anger and Hope' by Ravyn LaRue

I look at her and tell her-
This-
This is you-
All of you
All my girls-
And they say,
No, that's not me-
I'm really not that pretty
And I want to scream
But I don't
I suppose that is also me
For that exact reason

'Intense Bad and Beautiful Beautiful Good' by Ravyn LaRue

It scares me that so much intense bad may have undone five years of such good
But I hope I didn't let that happen
I suppose time can only tell
And I'm waiting, I guess
And time goes by too quickly
I know that well, now
For it seemed like yesterday when I was a dumb former freshmen
Shaking off eight years of intense bad
And I only just got entirely comfortable with the beautiful beautiful good I was surrounded by
But it was very very beautiful
And it was very very good
And because I'm home now, there are still many particles in the air from that time
And that is beautiful
More brilliant and life-altering than even the worst of this intense bad that still haunts me

'My Body' by Ravyn LaRue

I am a pretty skeleton
And pigeon fat
And stretch-mark skin
And glasz eyes
And french-fry greasy hair
And the many scars on my bosom
And the weak claws on my feet
And eyebrows I'd like to be darker still
And Sally Bowles fingernails
And the newfound cut on my leg
And pigeon fat
I am a pretty skeleton

'Internet and Phone' by Ravyn LaRue

You know how you speak of the internet
With vitriol and scorn-
That's how I see phones
And how you see phones
As helpful and necessary-
That's how I see the internet
And I know that's no excuse

'Gedicht' by Ravyn LaRue

I suppose anything I write could be a poem
And I'm starting to think
Maybe everything should be
Since I'm comfortable here
Whereas I'm not in any other writing worlds
That's yet
That's thus far
That might change someday
I'll try to change it
But for now we have this
You and I
And I'm thankful for you
And this
And this is more than enough
Since I love and cherish it lots, actually

'Barry's Tea Gold Blend' by Ravyn LaRue

My mum makes the best tea
I ask her to make it often
She says-
You have to learn to make it on your own
And I say-
Of course I know
It's easy
It just tastes better when you make it
And she makes me two cups in a loon mug
And she says-
You've got to learn to be less impatient
And then it'll taste like when I make it

'12.27.2013 11:32 PM' by Ravyn LaRue

The fact that you ran to hug me
After not seeing you for so long
Meant the world to me
I knew I missed you that much
But I didn't expect it to be reciprocated that much
Since I know I'm hard to like sometimes
But I missed you so much
And you said you missed me too
And I adore you more than words could claim
Tesla and Sassafras are reunited again
We saw the room, and all is well again
And nothing could be sweeter than that

'About As Decadent As I'll Ever Get' by Ravyn LaRue

Ah Cafe Latte
Diabetes on a spoon
And I love it so

'Ravyn LaRue Writes Stuff' by Ravyn LaRue

There's a thin line
Between poetry and prose
At least how I do it
I suppose I should just call it writing
Because whichever way
I know I like doing it
Whatever this peculiar thing is
I like it lots

'Though Phones Frighten Me' by Ravyn LaRue

There is this thing-
Keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked
It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance
I fear nothing- Say it!
No you can't be afraid, if you ever want somebody near you
A triumphant success each time I'm still in tact-
What in the world would make you think that I was qualified for playing the part
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things-
But how many written lines do you need to capture your life
Are you there are you there are you there I don't know if you care
I'd say I'm sorry but it's hard to speak with both feet in my mouth
I'd have to admit it's getting better
It's getting better all the time
I think I'll wait another year
I'm not as callous as you think
I think I'll wait another year

'Sweetness' by Ravyn LaRue

My uncle
The hard-ass cop
The badass biker
My uncle
Spoke to my mum on the phone
And said
Katie's poems are sweet
Sweet
My uncle
The hard-ass cop
The badass biker
My uncle
Said my poems are sweet
That's so sweet

'Days of Plenty' by Ravyn LaRue

I'm tuning out my mum
Who's on the phone
Talking about my dead cousin
I know I shouldn't tune her out
It's denying emotion and it isn't good
But my eyes are already welling with tears
Fine, a compromise-
I'll listen to sad songs
And blame them for the tears, instead

'Spread Out' by Ravyn LaRue

I am still in Chicago
My mind is
Though my heart is in Minnesota
And my soul is still slowly creeping home
I thought it'd happen all at once
But I guess not

'I'm Not My Own It's Not My Choice' by Ravyn LaRue

While making Christmas
I listen to Apre Moi
I (uh) must go on

'Drinking Over Lip-prints Seems Like Kissing Myself' by Ravyn LaRue

Good thing there's no internet here
Otherwise fate would be stacked against me
And I'd get distracted
But look at me now-
I'm still not making my Christmas presents
That's because I have a twinge of melancholy incasing my mind
Think of happy thoughts-
Think of Christmas, think of Snow, think of sleigh-bells, off we go-
Alright, then
I'll do that, then
Okay, then.

'Queen Latifah' by Ravyn LaRue

I used to like Queen Latifah for selfish reasons
I found her gorgeous
One of my first crushes
She sang "When You're Good To Mama"
And I took some selfish pride in that
Some smug optimism
I thought-
Just look at her-
She isn't as thin as I'm told to be
And she's gorgeous
Look, look, look-
And so I fell in love with that character she played
And I take pride in the fact I played that role
And I take pride that I learned what she learned
Everything gets better once you decide to love yourself
I haven't kept up with her much
But I like that lots about her
And I like her now for that moral
If I understood that the first time I saw her with my impressionable eyes
I'd be further along than I am now
Though at least I'm here at this time
At least I've gotten here by now
Anyways, I like Queen Latifah
I suppose that's still a selfish reason, but a tad lesser so

'Found Poetry' by Ravyn LaRue

I like found poetry
Half because I prefer others' voices to my own
Half because I like seeming cryptic
But I mustn't do it too often
Or else my words will always be someone else's
And that's worse to me than not writing at all

'Starkeeper' by Ravyn LaRue

I don't want to make you cry
That not my intent, nor would I ever want to
But I believe in catharsis
Just like I believed in it seven months ago
That time, you know, when I cried onstage
But I need to write about this no matter
And I may as well write to you
I think of him as the star-keeper
The character in Carousel
The paternal high angel of all
In my terms I mean it like his hobby
He knew of all the brightest stars on the silver screen
He spoke of them with me, though my knowledge was slim
I know you said you loved watching us as we spoke of such
I knew it was important, then, but it isn't until retrospect kicked in that I realized the weight
Now I don't have that
I watch swarms of intriguing personalities talk online of movies
But of course it's not the same
But it's supplemental and I like it because it sugarcoats the void
It reminds me in a soft, painless way-
Of something I cannot reach again
The definition of nostalgia is-
The pain from an old wound-
It’s delicate, but potent. It’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone.
It’s a place where we ache to go again.
And that's what it is
I had many reoccurring dreams this last summer
They tried to convince me he was still alive somehow
And I'd wake to the grim realization
But my subconscious hasn't come to terms
Since it really isn't right
With Boomama and Boodaddy they at least seemed ready
There are many times when I think of Grandaddy
What he'd think of my choices
What he thinks now that he knows all
And I shan't get metaphysical
I know this isn't the place for that
But I'm morbid, profoundly, in the things I enjoy
Yet this specific death is so much harder to cope with than the others
I never met Rosie
I never knew her soul
But I knew Grandaddy better than most of my relatives
We had those moments where we just talked about any and all
And movies and celebrities
And things like that, that I didn't think mattered
But I know now
Everything about those times mattered
Mattered more than all the unfathomable stars in all the distant galaxies

'Because You And I Are Living The Same Way' by Ravyn LaRue

Now that things have changed
'Astronaut' fits even more
For Renee and I

'Christmas Presents' by Ravyn LaRue

My grandma said today
She was angry at me
For making people presents instead of buying them
She said
You're nineteen!
You should know better by now!
But family Christmas is on Sunday
And I'm going to carry on as planned
Writing every family member a poem
Since that's what I can do
I don't have money
And even if I did-
I wouldn't know what to spend it on
Since family doesn't feel much like family anymore
And I don't have much of a better judgement anyways
And besides that-
My younger brother
Younger only by a few months-
Made three paper snowflakes as my christmas present
And last year Terese sewed an ornament for me
And both those lifted my heart more than bought things
But I hope she likes the poem I write her
I'll like writing it
And it's the thought that counts, after all-
The effort put into doing something small with great love
At least that's what I've been told

'John Thomas' by Ravyn LaRue

There are some days when I wish I had siblings
I know I have Darius
Which is splendid since he's the best brother I could have
But days like this, I miss John
When Mama cries to me about Dad
And I can't say anything to console her
I like to think if John were here
He'd console us both
But that's just dreaming
And at the end of the day, it's all just speculation

'Maroon Lipstick Marks On Fancy Coffee Cups' by Ravyn LaRue

Eight O'Clock on a Saturday night
Spending time at a decadent coffee shop
I'm supposed to be writing poetry for family
But family is a difficult thing
And I'd rather write about raw feeling
I feel far too common-people to be here
But Mama had to buy a gift card
And I'm way too into fancy coffee and sweets for my own good
I love kids
There's a share of adorable rambunctious ones
And I love Amanda Palmer
I have to drive, I have my reasons, dear-
And I saw a guy I thought was Doug Jones
Since he was thin and tall to an odd degree
But it was just an average well-to-do fellow
I wanted it to be Doug Jones so I could share my comparatively cheap secondhand cake with him
And I'd tell him about 'Twitterfeather'
And I'd hope he'd understand
I love the celebrities I love
Though they aren't very well-known for celebrities
I still love them
I know this is a nothing poem
But I suppose I might as well warm up for the family poems I have to write
Oh yeah, I have to write those still
Alright, then
I'll do that, then
Okay, then
I have to drive, I have my reasons, dear-

'Beloved Perspective Girlfriend' by Ravyn LaRue

I've thought of reconsidering her offer
And I know it would be dumb, so I don't know why
But recently I've thought, it might be nice to have a girlfriend
Probably because of my push-backedness
Coupled with an erroneous need to prove myself
Regardless, it'd never work-
Despite her interest, I'm too liberal for her taste
And she's too conservative for mine
But nevertheless, after we hugged after four months apart
I lifted her up and we kissed a multitude of times
Though kisses don't hold as much weight as some think they should, to us
I don't know-
I haven't ever dated anyone I loved-
I may've blurted the phrase out aimlessly without thinking
But erroneously-
And the prospect of a relationship seems like a trap, to me
But that moment of love I felt with her the other day-
It's making my dumb-ass heart try to reconsider, in spite of my brain
But anyways, I suppose in this way, I'm writing her love poetry anyways-
So in that way she's my sweetheart anyways-
And I know bouncing into a relationship right now is probably the worst option of anything-
I still feel as Hedwig and Donnie and Sweeney-Lovett-Lucy
And see how splendidly their love-lives turned out
And I don't think I was made to be somebody's one and only
Nor do I feel, at this time, like one specific person was made for me
And I'm just lost and confused
Looking for some sort of validation, I know something like that wouldn't even bring
So much of life seems so wrapped up in monogamy
And my push-backedness is trying to plunge me into that ill-fitting mindset again
But I don't want it
I don't wanna live my life on one side of an ampersand-
Though that love of mine, who offered to take my heart, is my beloved
And she means as much to me as any of my other beloveds-
Which, mind you, is a ton-
Feelings fit to take up entire expansive galaxies-
But it's 'Company', you know-
This mindless drifting, romance denial and push-backedness-
I want nothing of it, yet in this way am I denying living?
Who knows-
Who knows-
I feel this'd be dumb and reckless
It wouldn't turn out all too well, and I know that
Though that doesn't mean I don't feel compelled-
I feel all too compelled about that as well as all else, now a days-
She's my Victoria Bradley Martin, and I'm not fit for that-
No, not at all
But she's brilliant and beautiful-
And we'd break each other's hearts, I know it
And I may be romantic, and I may risk my life for it, but I ain't gonna die for you, you know I ain't no Juliet-
But she is, and that's why I mustn't let us get tangled up like this
No, love, no-
Not now, at least

'She Stumbled Into Faith And Thought-' by Ravyn LaRue

I keep seeing ghosts
And I don't doubt they're all grandaddy
But you're not superstitious
Or religious
So I think you'd find that mean
But I'm very superstitious
And I'm religious in my own way
And I really think they are him
At least thats who I hope they are
Because that's comforting and beautiful
But all too sad for a soul like yours to take
Since you'd probably find that mean somehow
Though I think it's pretty beautiful

'Silver Linings' by Ravyn LaRue

I'm trying to teach myself to see silver linings
I know that's disney movie morality
And I'm an adult living in the real world
That sounds wrong to say, for the record
But I am an adult, though I don't seem it
And as an adult, as childlike as it may seem
To survive one must stay positive
Otherwise you're a bitter walking empty shell
And that's not living, not to me anyways
That's Columbia, and why I needed to leave
And that's why I'm back-
That's why I need to be happy
Because I'm in a place I can rightly call home
With souls I can rightly call my beloveds
If there's something better in this world-
I certainly haven't yet found it
So I believe in silver linings
Since if Columbia hadn't scared me back
I wouldn't be where I am now, which is a good place-
Unstable and unsure as it might be-
I am at least comfortable
And I am at least happy here

'MCTC' by Ravyn LaRue

I'm going to be a baby at my new school
The average age is twenty-eight
And I'm barely nineteen
Though that's kind of a relief
I hope there won't be any bitter twenty-four year olds threatening to kill me
As long as I can avoid that it'll be better than my old school
So my standards should be easy to fulfill
I can only hope it'll treat me better than Columbia
Which, again, should be pretty easy
Even Saint Marks treated me better than Columbia
But I'm just back to my old habits of kvetching
MCTC is a godsend right now
And so no matter what, I adore it for merely existing
And I'm ready as ever to be fresh meat there

'Green Nail Polish' by Ravyn LaRue

I am Sally Bowles
Because I paint my nails green
I take pride in that

'Presumptuous' by Ravyn LaRue

I predict things sometimes
And it's all just speculation
Though I've found it's often true
Yet I don't like marking it down or telling
Since then I jinx it to never materialize
Such as the would-be Practicum 2013
Everyone else can watch as their dreams untie-
So why can't I?
But at least it was confirmed my allegations were true
And though that may hurt more
It's a fulfilling kind of hurt
A prettier hurt than any I've recently felt
A glorious masochistic hurt
Which makes me smile as I cry because it proves two things
I am worthwhile
And I am loved here
Loved by people I adore more than the stars
And, my dear, that's more fulfilling than any empty happiness-
Handed easily to me at the place I just fled from
I can be presumptuous here
Though I supposedly should have learned my lessons
If my predictions fall flat here, it's to make room for better
And that's what I want of life
Which is why no one in this wide earth can convince me I'm dumb to stay
In fact, I think moving back to Minnesota is the smartest thing I've done in a while

'Golden's Deli Lady' by Ravyn LaRue

Gorgeous barista
Skull tattoos and sea-green hair
She remembers me

'Sawdust and Superglue' by Ravyn LaRue

Google docs wiped out my schedule
And since I'm so behind on journaling
I felt like that was the shroud of stability I had
But it's okay, I've accepted that I'm falling apart
And maybe I need to begin again-
Not from a slew of puzzle pieces, no-
This time I'll sculpt myself anew-
From sawdust and superglue

'Christmas is Wednesday' by Ravyn LaRue

Many people seem to say-
That this year-
Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas
I have my own reason to feel this way
My own year-full of unfulfilling sadness
But it seems like so have many
I said this earlier and I may say it again
2013 was beastly and serpentine-
And quite the thing to wrestle with
But you, if you're reading this, and I both-
We made it through and are alive
Though our souls may still be cringing
You and I have reason to celebrate
Christmas is a feeling, many have pinned it as such
And you and I deserve to feel splendid
We worked for our happiness so we should feel it strongly
So I'm not sure why our rainbow lights are flickering
Though it seems they most certainly are
But Christmas is this Wednesday
And I hope to make you, dear reader feel better
I may not be the best for this task-
Given how melancholy I've been as of late
But I'll try, since you deserve it, and I deserve it
Though I know not what to say but this-
Merry Christmas, dear reader-
Merry Christmas, my love

'Bob Dylan Haiku' by Ravyn LaRue

The older I get
The more I like Bob Dylan
Though he was childhood

'96%' by Ravyn LaRue

"What've you done since you've been home?
Nothing."
That's what she says to me
It's been a week, and I've done plenty
Yet as usual it isn't enough
She's all too quick to peg me as useless
Instead of bothering to tally up my accomplishments
But no wonder, I suppose
She thinks I accomplished nothing while I was away
And yet in the next breath claims
"This last semester was the best thing to ever happen to you."
and "You learned more there than anywhere else."
As if it were the truth
When in reality I bet she meant it as celebrating my absence
I don't know
I certainly wasn't homesick for this

'Eternal and Ephemeral' by Ravyn LaRue

The words eternal and ephemeral are equally beautiful to me
Both describe Theatre and Art perfectly
And since Theatre and Art are my blood, my soul, my home, my religion
I within myself am equally eternal and ephemeral
As is Art and Theatre and humanity itself
And in that way, beauty exists

'I'm Just Fine But All I Do Is Keep Lamenting' by Ravyn LaRue

I'm well aware of how obnoxious I am
I stopped myself, in fact, the other day and cried out-
"And I, circumstance's victim!"
Because melodrama seems to be what I feed on anyways
Though I should know better-
There are starving kids throughout the world
Those who are truly homeless
Fleets of people with troubles worse than mine
Yet to me this was the pinnacle of what I'd come across
Badness wise
And though I should be back to brilliance
I'm resilient, or at least I pretend to be
And I claim myself optimistic
Though pessimism is more productive for poets
Still I should've left that all in Chicago
I'm safe now
Calm down, self-
You can sing here
I can sing here-
For I have those who will not only listen
But will lift up their voices along with mine
I may still be shivering, but that warmth is wondrous
And I have no reason to fear here
There are scary things, still
But I have no reason to be scared or sad
Love exists here
Love exists here

'Mary Shelley Was 19 When She Wrote Frankenstein' by Ravyn LaRue

How to write good?
Shall I write in magenta ink?
Write in cursive?
Try to make it pretty?
Write big?
Or something?
Because right now, it isn't good, is it?
I know well enough, don't I?
Either write well or write nothing, right?
Will I ever write good again?
How will I even know?

'Dear Reader' by Ravyn LaRue

Something I learned at Columbia
Though I'd never credit them
Since it's a single soul who taught me
And she deserves better than that awful establishment
But something I learned, though I knew all along-
An artist must be present, not just within themselves-
But also within the space they speak to
They must be aware and in love with and open to-
All those they wish to reach out to
So I suppose, in order to do that, I must thank you
Because I am thankful for every second you take-
Each moment you expend upon reading these oddities
Thank you, and I'm sorry
Everything should be golden for your eyes to gaze upon-
Though, I know, my dear, all is not
Thank you, though, for reading regardless
It truly means the world, my dear
It truly truly does!

'Beloveds' by Ravyn LaRue

My beloveds are my beloveds
And relatives are just relatives
They're my kin but not my heart
You, my beloveds, are my heart and soul
And I love you all more than you could ever realize
Chosen and adored
We are more eternal than shared names and DNA
And I would go to the ends of the earth or further for you
Since I truly believe you would do the same for me
You are my beloveds and I love you more than anything

'Sunday 4:26 AM' by Ravyn LaRue

I write too many poems saying the same thing
over and over and over again
And I would like to think being self-aware makes up for it somehow
But in all the oddness I spew
Not much of it is salvageable, I'm afraid
But I may as well keep writing
Since I don't know what else to do
I'd like to push myself to the brink of something extraordinary
But at this moment, I just need to focus on recuperation
Which results in much repetition
Though that should change soon
At least I'm hoping that will be the case
Sorry, love

'Nineteen' by Ravyn LaRue

At this age Mary Shelly wrote Frankenstein
At this age Blind Mag got her eyes
At this age Nani was raising her sister
At this age Tim Burton worked for Disney
At this age Mimi turned back from death
At this age Steven did ice shows
At this age Emily Scinto has propositions from Broadway
At this age Sheila Franklin was protesting
At this age Danny Elfman had his band
At this age Amanda Palmer was the eight foot bride
At this age HST called himself the new Fitzgerald
At this age Briggle knew what he was going to do in life
At this age Adele wrote Hometown Glory
At this age Tiana got her restaurant
At this age Emilie Autumn released her first CD
At this age Poe wrote his first book of Poetry
At this age Liza Minnelli was in Flora the Red Menace
At this age Bob Dylan dropped out of College to do greater things
At this age so many people were doing so many things

'Beneath the Tree and Darkened Sky' by Ravyn LaRue

On that August night
I felt more complete within myself
And within his arms
Than I had ever before felt
And I feel now-
Like I have to find that feeling again somehow
Since otherwise I just have something lacking
Though, at the very least-
I'm happy to have reached it then

'Shrapnel Is Still Better Than Emptiness' by Ravyn LaRue

I know it was much too much of me to expect everything would mend together smoothly
Being back is soothing and soul-cleansing but it certainly isn't perfection
I'm still hung up on the same usual catches I trip over, but it's better than being bound and gagged
But those who are vicious still have viciousness in them
Toxic families are still toxic families since distance isn't as calming as I thought
Though they're still my loved ones and I'm strong enough to know-
Being proclaimed a bitch is just an everyday occurrence
And I know things now that hurt far worse than being hit
So, though being bulletproof and flawless is a fallacy
I know now something that gives me more strength than my slogans before
You can't break that which isn't yours
And so, I stand by it-
The worst Minnesota can throw at me still tops the best Chicago could ever offer
So yeah, one could say I'm stronger than I was last year
And even if I'm back to square one, I'm not a tabula rasa-
I kept my identity despite it all, and I pride myself on that
After all this I'm nearer to fearlessness, though I still have some cause to be afraid
I'll crumble, as always, since I need to, but it's crumbling in comfort
Toxic families are still toxic families
But I have my real beloveds, and with them, I know I have nothing to fear

'Attempted Repetition of 8.21.13' by Ravyn LaRue

I feel like affection is causing me to be dumb
I have no inhibitions when I'm drunk and drowning in love
So I send dumb e-mails and letters, squawk, and cling to people
I tell people in poetics and purple prose how much their essence means
And though I feel it still falls flat, the nagging voice tells me I've already scared them enough
I worry I scare people away
But I feel in my recent time missing in action from life, that I need to say before it's too late
And I know it hasn't been that long
But in that time I felt so alone that I feel I oughtn't allow it ever again
There are those I would want to spill my soul into
But it must be consensual and I fear it mightn't be reciprocated
My love without reflecting, O do not be rejecting-
And I don't know how to behave or function as a well adjusted human anymore
I'm only soul and emotion inhabiting a body electric that wants to hug my beloveds close
I am melodrama and love uninhabited now a days and I feel it repels those I wish to attract
It's all too easy to say I'm misunderstood
The reality of it is, being so stifled caused me to be like this the second I'm uninhibited
I know I ought to tone it down, but not until I've expressed it all
Loved properly those who will allow me to do so
For I adore them more than I ever thought humanly possible
And knowing how I was even before all this, that says quite a bit
But if I can reach that pinnacle met before hand, or even anywhere close
My quest for glorious, hippy, uninhibited love will be fulfilled
And I might go back to a more affectionate version of my former self
I don't know if there's such a thing as loving too strongly
But I feel whatever I'm doing must be close to that edge
If it even exists in the first place
But as with everything in my set of interests, I want to hurdle over
I know it probably isn't the smartest thing to do
But really not many of the things I aspire to do are, are they?
I suppose it's dumb to think August Twenty-First could be repeated
Miracles cannot be repeated
At least not unless all parties are present in the moment

'Freedom Beauty Truth and Love' by Ravyn LaRue

I love too hard
And feel too much
And hurt too deep
But this feels right
To have such emotions
So I will not stop myself
Since I adore my beloveds
And I have my art
And both those seem to benefit
From my emotional intensity
And I doubt I could stop, even
So why should I?

Modernized Sweeney And My Worldview Regarding My Favorite Musical Broadened:

(THERE WILL BE MASSIVE SPOILERS; PLEASE BEWARE IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE SHOW!)

So I just came back from seeing a modernized version of Sweeney Todd by The Chameleon Theatre Circle, and I swear my view on the Musical has been widened from the experience. I had never seen it modernized and I was surprised at how seamlessly it worked! I don't mean for this to be a review, only an organization of thoughts, but it might become a review despite my best efforts.

It worked splendidly in modern times and the cast was great!

Sweeney had such emotional intensity I couldn't help but be taken in by his odd charisma. He kinda chewed the scenery, but I don't mean that in a bad way whatsoever since it led me to my own reason for falling for this portrayal. Why? His acting reminded me of Doug Jone's acting in 'Skin and Bones' as Grady Edlund possessed by the Wendigo. Wendigos are cannibalistic spirits. So my head-canon for this production, though doubtfully what it was intended as, is that after eating the Meat Pie, Sweeney and Toby, since Toby (who was played by a girl) also acted with a swift and angular physicality, became Wendigos. Mrs.Lovett didn't, since she never ate her own meat pies when she made them out of rubbish and table scraps, so out of habit she avoided them still, even once she acquired more plentiful supplies.

I'm way too fascinated with Wendigos, and knowing me, I'll go into this more at a later date, but for now, Wendigo Psychosis exists, so if I were the dramaturge I'd go all out with that head-canon. I'm odd about hypotheticals like this since I don't expect to be put in that position, but who knows!

I really liked this Sweeney, though, it was obvious he had no boundaries, and it showed in how he dashed about the stage and throughout the audience.

This Mrs.Lovett was wonderful, though not quite Mrs.Lovett, in my mind. She was a brilliant actress and a phenomenal character, but since I am so over-protective of this role, I see three things I would change. She was still splendid, just not the same character as the one I aspire to play. Believe me, though, this woman was marvelous, just a very different take on the usual portrayal of Mrs.Lovett, that I happen to be so enamored with.

The things missing, in my mind, were:

The hint of remorse- I did see a tiny twinge, but I had to search for it. I feel after 'Not While I'm Around' there needs to be a moment of guilt, not necessarily due to killing people, but due to not giving Toby what he deserves. I think in that specific aspect Helena Bonham Carter's portrayal is spot on!

Tied to that is the inherent maternal instinct, despite her non-maternal actions. Again it was there in this actress's portrayal, but I feel like it's an integral part of Mrs.Lovett's character.

Speaking of integral parts of Mrs.Lovett's character. Her adoration for Sweeney is not a wimpy schoolgirl crush it is a "'light of my life, fire of my loins', my whole existence is based around you now that you're back, and the fact that you say things like "How I did with out you all these years I'll never know" means more to me than any of Albert and I's wedding vows- it proves we're in love, and since your silly little nit of a wife is no longer functioning, you have me and that's all that matters, because you mean more than this entire cosmos to me-" sort of love. It isn't light flirting and a bit of provocative choreography- it is deeper than deep!

With that said, though, 'By The Sea' was spectacular and adorable and I loved the choreography/blocking, particularly how Mrs.Lovett basically dominated him and pushed him around to fit into her little dream role as Sweeney's mind couldn't be any further away! Ah, I love it so much!

Also, speaking of relating to Mrs.Lovett, which I do in a way that probably seems profoundly creepy, in 'By The Sea' she gets excited about Seagulls, and that's definitely something I do... And at one point she had the same silver tights as I, though that's grasping at straws for comparisons.

I did like the kind of gaudy mobster's wife thing this modernized Lovett had going on, and I liked her hair and her street-smart edge. They were interesting additions to the character. I did like the way she/they played with character to make her resilient and diabolical in a fresh sort of way. They didn't need to fix what wasn't broken, but they didn't break her either, so I appreciate and respect that.

The highlight was this superb actress named: Carrie Kuehl. This woman was the best beggar woman I have ever seen. She was seemingly short and somewhat stocky with short purple hair and a ragamuffin outfit much like the one I cobbled together to keep warm during my own "homeless" weekend.

As my aunt/Godmother mentioned to me, she definitely stole the show even more than Mrs.Lovett, and in a way due to the subtlety of the foreshadowing, that might not be good, but it still surprised my aunt/Godmother!

The place in my heart that Lucy holds has grown exponentially from my first viewing of Sweeney Todd in the form of the Tim Burton movie, perhaps because I was young and dumb and thought you had to choose sides in love triangles I had no empathy for Lucy, whereas now I see her as the most empathetic character of the whole thing. Yes, I relate to Sweeney and GOD YES, I relate to Mrs.Lovett (her being one of my favorite characters of all time and all) but I still see Lucy as the most deserving of empathy.

Because of that, and the fact that despite Mrs.Lovett being my all-time dream role, it would be a dream come true to even be in a cast of Sweeney Todd, I've decided that my runner up dream role might have to be Lucy, especially considering how this production never once showed her as blonde or conventionally attractive, just someone who Sweeney once adored. And hair-dye and wigs exist so that wouldn't be an issue.

I've also decided that despite my absolute adoration of Mrs.Lovett as a character, and how she still is my dream role, my favorite song in 'Sweeney Todd' is Lucy's solo amidst the finale. Since no one seems to know what I'm talking about, since the song often gets cut out of productions, here are the lyrics:

"Beadle deedle deedle deedle deedle dumpling, Beadle dumpling, Be-deedle dumpling... And why should you weep then, my jo, my jing? Ohh . . .Your father's at tea with the Swedish king. He'll bring you the moon on a silver string. Ohh... Ohh... Quickly to sleep then, my jo, my jing, He'll bring you a shoe and a wedding ring. Sing here again, home again, Come again spring. He'll be coming soon now to kiss you, my jo, my jing, Bringing you the moon and a shoe and a wedding ring. He'll be coming here again, Home again-"

Some call it The Beggar Woman's Lullaby/Lucy's Lullaby, and every time I hear it, it breaks my heart, since Lucy makes her way into her old living quarters and begins singing as she did to Johanna, hence remembering a small part of her former self, just as her daughter cowers in the trunk and just as her husband, who loves her more than anyone in the universe yet is blinded by revenge, kills her. In that moment while she sings, things are as close to being reunited as a family as they ever could get. Yet Lucy only sees these things as wispy memories that mightn't be any more real than the visions madness brings. None of the family know that they are finally with the loved ones they never could be with, and within seconds, everything shatters permanently.

Ah, this musical is even stronger than I had previously realized. It truly is Sondheim's masterpiece, and because of that, it was ballsy and brilliant of The Chameleon Theatre Circle to take the risk to modernize it, but it was superb! (For the record, speaking of ballsy, it was pretty gusty to begin it with a news clip regarding Jeffry Dahmer's cannibalism!)

So in conclusion: I had hoped this show would re-kindle my absolute adoration for this show, and indeed it did! It's so splendid, I don't even know how to explain: it's Sondheim, it's one of the most emotionally intense art pieces I know, it's dark as all hell, it makes me cry- what more do I have to say? I'm as in love with this show as the day I first laid eyes on it when I was eleven. It was my first real MT love, and it's still as beautiful as always!

'Fifth Period 12.19.13.' by Ravyn LaRue

At first I was awestruck
That you can be saddened so quickly by things like this
No wonder you're so melancholy
And crushed all so often
But then I remember the same can be said for me
And I smile and shrug it off
Since we are of the same species
And your weaknesses are my strengths
The reverse is also true
So I'll talk to him for you
And make myself a fool
Since I know he knows me as such anyways
And my pride isn't easily shredded
At the end of the day, though I am not bulletproof
I am shameless in my emotions
And you are thoughtful and reserved
Though I know we feel the same
I think that's why we are each other's
Believe me, I'll fix all the things I have power to
And in this I hold the helm
I proclaim him like a father to my soul
And like a daughter, I can hopefully coerce the king
We'll be safe inside the kingdom walls, soon enough, my darling
Don't you worry, darling, I'm used to facing dragons now a days

Existential Crisis, Assimilation and Identifying with Donnie DuPre:

The most difficult semester of my life is finally over so I'm going to write a blog that deals with why it was so difficult, but also dealing with Demo Reel since I have a lot of new-found feelings about that show. I'm also going to direct it to my beloved friend Jennifer, since I think she might relate to this in a way.

Briefly stated, I have felt so miserable at Columbia College Chicago, I don't even know how to explain it properly. I dealt with a homophobic teacher, who I mentioned before, though she only got worse from there. I also received a death threat from a roommate and due to fight or flight left my dorm only to be homeless for a weekend. In general Columbia's creative atmosphere was not the sort I wanted to be around, though I felt myself becoming assimilated and scared to be myself. I felt myself relapsing to a former state/someone I didn't want to be, and had I stayed at Columbia I wouldn't have been strong enough to fight against that relapse.

Alright, so, with all that said, I really want to explain myself regarding why I relate Donnie from 'Demo Reel' at least as of recently, since it's much less clean cut and much more meta than most instances of me identifying with a character.

Here's some background for Jennifer as well as those who aren't in the fandom. I don't even know if Jen identifies as part of the fandom, but I've been recommending TGWTG videos to her, and her and I watched Musical Reviews over Skype, so there's that, at least.

So Doug Walker (The Nostalgia Critic) did The Nostalgia Critic for quite a while but got bored with it and thought up this project/show called 'Demo Reel' which was like his baby. He was *so* excited to make it, so after five years of The Nostalgia Critic he concluded it with 'To Boldly Flee'. In 'To Boldly Flee' Critic realizes he's changed from the bitter, miserable jerk he began as and sacrifices himself to save his beloveds. After that Donnie DuPre, the protagonist of Demo Reel comes into play. He's much more optimistic, affectionate and kind than the Nostalgia Critic. He's also much less miserable and bitter than Critic, like as if Critic from the end of 'To Boldly Flee' became more of an outward sweetheart. Then 'The Review Must Go On' happened (SPOILERS) where Donnie is ripped away from his beloveds and is forced to assimilate with the Nostalgia Critic because Doug decides, after being connived into the decision by the ghost of the Nostalgia Critic, that Donnie was Critic all along. This happened, in a meta sense, because 'Demo Reel' didn't have a particularly wide audience and a multitude of people who were fans of The Nostalgia Critic positively berated Demo Reel.

I liked Demo Reel, the first episode dragged on a tad, but from then on it was phenomenal- the best TV Series (that actually isn't a TV series, but whatever) that I had ever seen. Even then, in January, I identified tons with the characters. Back then, Rebecca was my go to gal since I knew how it felt to be seen as unintelligent because I'm often excitable and animated, how it felt to be a hard working actor who has roles they aspire to play given to younger and/or more attractive girls who might not work as hard, and most of all, the feeling of art you put your soul into being destroyed.

Now, after hearing that Doug truly didn't want to give up Demo Reel and only did it for the fans, so he'd still have viewers (I don't fault him for it, those viewers give him his income, and in this world one needs money to survive, unfortunately), my perspective has changed. I have my own personal and emotional reasons for this, and the fact that I no longer am as alright with Demo Reel's cancelation, mostly because I identify so much with Donnie, but then again, had it not canceled perhaps I wouldn't identify as much with him.

I wrote a poem about it, actually...

Here's the deal, though. Before SPCPA I went to a school called Saint Marks. It was dreadful: "Pious, Hateful and Devout" to quote 'Hedwig and the Angry Inch' (something else this whole Columbia predicament has made me identify with). After going there I was bitter, cynical, easily upset and generally miserable. I was also extremely self-conscious and insecure. Those are traits that can be used to describe the pre-'To Boldly Flee' Nostalgia Critic.

Then I went to SPCPA, obviously. Over time I became kinder, more friendly, more outgoing, more confident, less pessimistic and bitter and much more comfortable with myself, and around others. I had beloveds, something that really wasn't the case at Saint Marks. I also came to terms with the fact that I'm queer and embraced that through Queertopia. I was making my own art and doing what I loved with people I loved, and despite the misery of my past, I was happy! That state was much like Donnie in Demo Reel, though his demons ate away at him more than mine ate away at me, though the issues are very dissimilar, and not what I'm writing about. What was similar was the confidence, the happiness and the feeling of belonging. Demo Reel and Donnie were me at SPCPA.

For the record, beloveds-wise:

1. Jennifer you, are Quinn (An Adorable individual who has a love/hate relationship with Karl (Darius) and will do random things to cheer me up when I'm not feeling well.)
2. Terese is Rebecca (A badass girl who is hilarious and silly. She always goes along with my weird ideas without any question yet knows I'm a tad off sometimes.)
3. Darius is Karl (A fraternal tough guy who gets annoyed with me easily but deep down is a sweetheart who cares for me and helps me when I'm in trouble.)
4. Joe is Tacoma (The person I can be most outwardly affectionate with, and who I collaborate with often. More down to earth than I, but a kindred spirit, essentially.)
5. Then came Columbia which is 'The Review Must Go On' I felt my worldview and all I was sure of crumbling beneath my feet. I saw myself little by little turning into this person I used to be: bitter, pissed-off, insecure and unhappy. I knew that if I stayed at Columbia the only future I had was both relapse and assimilation. That's why I left. 

In that way, I don't identify with Donnie, since I made it out alive with my personality intact whereas he assimilated into what was now revealed as his former self. I still like 'The Nostalgia Critic' and in some ways identify with him, but Donnie is my darling. Part of this, too, is because I have a sneaking suspicion that he's based on Ed Wood, who I identify with.

Critic/Donnie/whoever has also had his share of existential crises, and that's what I'm in the midst of, it seems.

And this is why I think you might relate, Jennifer: Donnie is like the me I was at SPCPA and hopefully the me I still am, whereas Critic is the me I was before: the me who's afraid to sing and afraid to show my true colors. That's why this is such a big deal to me.

Also, in a completely meta way, Columbia was to me like Demo Reel was to Doug Walker, I think, because I was so looking forward to attending Columbia. It was my dream, and I had so much faith in it, yet before it could even get going, life threw a curve-ball and made it fall apart before I could even do anything marvelous with it.

So, Jennifer, you brilliant creature, as well as anyone else who might be reading this rambling, that is my current situation applied to 'Demo Reel'. I wish Donnie could be resurrected, as my SPCPA self has been, but I know that's doubtful, since the fandom doesn't like him as much as Critic. For the same reason I doubt there will ever be 'Demo Reel' DVD's, but if there were, I would buy one during a charity drive! (Now I'm just rambling...)

In conclusion: I thankfully got out alive and un-assimilated, though Donnie DuPre, who I identify with, unfortunately did not.

P.S. I met Malcolm Ray who played Tacoma, and if that isn't spectacularly exciting, I don't know what is!

'Despair Follows Quickly On The Heels Of Lost Identity' by Ravyn LaRue

I found this something
That I wrote among doodles when I was fourteen-or-so
"despair follows quickly on the heels of lost identity"
This proves that I felt that at Saint Marks
And I felt that even stronger, still, at Columbia
I think that says a lot

'Klinka' by Ravyn LaRue

Ms.Klinka,
I avoided writing you a letter because I couldn't write the truth.
Now I have made my exodus and am back in the community I love.
The ties that bind have been severed.
And now -
I have nothing holding me back.
You're a wretched soul, nothing more.
There is no way in Hell you're a decent human being-
So there is no way in Hell you can be a decent teacher-
And there is no way in Hell you can be a decent artist.
The fact that you make fun of students for things like appearance-
Is shallow, immature and inexcusable.
And the fact that you dig deeper in your attempts at desolation is crueler-
To berate a person on accounts of love and harmless identity is wicked.
I don't understand how you can survive in the environment that is supposed to be home.
And it sickens me to think that you hold the same title as my hero.
Those who cherish and deserve the craft you've parasitically clung to berate you as much as I.
I hope that solemn fact rings within your skull as you writhe, sleepless, in bed.
You are deserving of all vitriol I could ever cough up, and more-
But you aren't worth the time I would take vomiting.
And I'll not to waste time on you, since you don't deserve the attention-
Since I don't doubt that's why you do it.
No one can truly be as ignorant as you in this day and age-
It's inexcusable.
So, for now I'll say that all the bad I've ever said about all previous tormentors-
It applies to you a hundredfold.
Sincerely, your highly berated, queer, fat, confident, incorrigible student.
P.S. As I left class that final day you said "Well, I hope you're happy."
I'm pleased to say that, yes, I am-
I am delighted, thrilled, and positively radiant in the presence of artists you could never hold a candle to.
I figured you ought to be made aware.

'Insightful Friend' by Ravyn LaRue

You're so paternal
You're the bright eyes I look to while I'm on stage
Whether I'm performing or just talking about life
And you care about me for both

You invited me to lunch
You invited me to sit in on rehearsals
And I hope to coerce you into letting me help

I know I need to crumble in someone's sweet presence
And yours is more trustworthy than that of many
You're more paternal than those who ought to be
And the fact that you support me at this time
In this time of difficulties-
Well, you know...

I need to crumble to someone
And you've seen me cry
You've seen me fragile, and praised me for it
I can't wait for this
I'll confide in you about everything
Since you're the stable shore I've fallen onto often

And your voice in my broken brain was something that drew me back
Now I am home in a place where I belong
And I will tell you everything
Since you are family to me
You are family

'Musiklehrer' by Ravyn LaRue

I've never seen him this sort of mad
But when I told him of the monster
I saw in his eyes something I hadn't seen
Redness that broke up his usual cool blue-brown
I saw also, empathy
As if he knew how much it broke me
Because I imagine things like that broke him
And it proved further that we are kindred spirits
The pain down in his soul was the same as the one down in mine
That is why we do what we do
And that's why I'm so honored that he invited me in the first place

'And When The Wizard Gets To Me I'm Asking For A Smaller Heart' by Ravyn LaRue

I wanted to belong to a creative group
I wanted to be part of another family
Take heart fair days will shine

Despite the literal term "father,"
The role of a father figure is not limited to the biological parent of a person
The King would unknowingly become an inspiring influence
Though thou hast surely strayed,

Diversity isn't just a buzzword at Columbia, it's who we are.
But I don't see any heart left in you and
My goodness, what a shame it is,
Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home. Home!

Friendship is having a good relationship with someone, called a friend.
Magnificent- I adore everyone so much!!!
To have their approval was transformational.

He says that Ophelia's grief stems from her father
And he believes her to be beautiful-
The pirates know better... they're a rotten crowd
You're worth the whole damn bunch put together.

'Musee 45' by Ravyn LaRue

Assimilation
It is scarier than death
Well for me, at least

'Amending the Future' by Ravyn LaRue

It took me seventeen years, thereabouts to be okay with myself
Well I suppose not quite
Since I should hope no one's born hating themselves
But I was Catholic, so who knows
But from pre-school, even, I saw myself as unworthy
Worthiness bought things like love and friendship
And the ability to talk in class and sing outside
But then I found my home
And I was safe
And I was happy
And I felt worthy
Though it did take some time
And then I had to leave
Because time keeps moving
And time changes everything
Whether we like it or not
So I went somewhere I thought of as beautiful
And I thought I was ready for this world
But I wasn't, obviously
It started bringing me back to times I felt unworthy
But I know now that to be strong one must surround themselves with love
And openness and acceptance
You could keep on pushing and struggling
Putting up your defenses
Fighting on, against some eternal evil that can easily disintegrate spirits
But why do that when you have a home?
And why do that when you have beloveds?
And why do that when there's somewhere where you do feel worthy?
Had I stayed I would've relapsed.
Had I stayed, I think I might've died.
And although my heart isn't instantaneously mended by the familiar atmosphere.
I know, for the first time in one hundred and fifteen days
I am surviving in a place where I belong

'Ever-Wavering Self-Esteem' by Ravyn LaRue

I still see self-flaws
I sure don't mind that I'm fat
But I still see flaws

'Cockroaches' by Ravyn LaRue

Hello you incredible group of alumni!
It’s delicate, but potent.
It’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone.
It’s a place where we ache to go again.
In this context, I am using the word “queer” as an umbrella term for gay, bisexual, pansexual, trans*, and gender-variant people.
I recognize that it is not ideal, and I am sorry for that.
Extinct cockroach relatives and 'roachoids' such as the Carboniferous Archimylacris and the Permian Apthoroblattina were not as large as the biggest modern species.
Your statement is now available.
Two Indian judges just ruled that gay sex is illegal and can be punished with life sentences!
There's a ton of you!  Makes me so happy!
The power of empathy-
It's something of a pity tht the first six likes to this are (barring Caly) really quite shy people.
I don't want to make assumptions about a pain a group I don't represent is going through, but-
Young love is either revered or disregarded.
Think progress.
The above words are the way we should lead our life.
Columbia is magical realism.
Write of it, sob your heart out, sing,
While torrential slush that roars
Burns in the blackness of the spring.
Then I would be surprised and a little scared.
Although maybe we could still come up with something newsworthy.
The Cockroach-
Can no longer walk because he doesn't have-
Because he lacks-
What is man but dust?
What is woman but a clay vessel, easily broken?
So, tomorrow...

'Five Seven Five' by Ravyn LaRue

I don't like haikus
But I have been writing them
I don't know why, though

'Stoic' by Ravyn LaRue

On one hand I feel
I should write serious poems
But it doesn't work

'Caramel Macchiato Coffee Cream' by Ravyn LaRue

I'm not as together as you think I am
If you knew, I think you'd be more empathetic
But you say things like
You're wiser from the experience
Instead of knowing I'm also broken from the experience
I don't know for sure whether or not I'll be alright
I'm holding on to such hope
Since I'm scared I won't be satisfied with home
But I know I need it
And I need my beloveds
Because they are what keeps me singing
Though right now I'm still just warming up
I'm back, now, and at least I have that
Never have I ever been more excited to be home
I'm taking Joey up on his option
Not because I like bitching
I've done quite a lot of that recently
But because I'll see my beloveds
I will see my loved ones again
And I am so excited for that
It's tomorrow and I cannot wait
I'm so glad to be home
Minnesota is so comforting
The familiar is much more beautiful than I ever thought it could be
And though morgan didn't greet me with the excitement I had hoped
And dad didn't seem to have missed me
I'm going to the home I call home, tomorrow
It is the artistic community I adore
And I want them to know, from the bottom of my heart-
How sincerely I adore them all
I'm so unsure of everything
Even what I'll say tomorrow
But in the arms of my beloveds
I know nothing else will matter
The beautiful photos Mama showed me prove it
Joe and I crying candidly
It's my favorite photo now
And I'm back to January last year
Though it still is December
But my mind's a muddle
A constant fog as thick as jelly brains
And I'm having homemade caramel coffee
All will be well because the more I hurt the better love feels
And I know that sort of ideology has many harmful implications
But it's how I feel
And for me, though it's dumb, dangerous emotions trump safe apathy
I don't know
I don't know about anything
Anything other than the fact that I am ecstatic about seeing my beloveds tomorrow
And I pray and hope, though I'm well aware it's selfish, that they missed me as much as I missed them
I've been wishing for that as I held my breath through tunnels as we drove up
Minnesota is the safest place I know
Its snowstorms aren't as biting as Chicago
I'm going to tell the babies the truth tomorrow
I will see them perform, hopefully, and beam like a proud mother
And I will be sincere
I should script it
Hello I'm _________
I graduated last spring (2013)
I went to Columbia College Chicago as a fiction writing major, acting minor-
But it isn't the place for me.
... Umm, let's see...
I'll be attending MCTC this Spring, but if you have any questions about Columbia, just ask.
Thank you!
I will do my best to not be malcontented.
I'm out of there now, so my likelihood of survival has greatened exponentially
Especially if I see Ms.Hart, Briggle and/or Joe.
I know I'll be seeing Joey and that in itself makes my heart soar.
I don't have much stability
But I have loved ones to guide me
So I take tons of comfort in that
I love them all so much!

'Kunst Haiku' by Ravyn LaRue

Art is religion
And as in all religions
Power corrupts, dear

'Relapse' by Ravyn LaRue

I think this could count as a relapse
And so going home is like rehabilitation
In this position
I think most would choose what I'm choosing
Though that really doesn't matter
I just know that this is right for me
Well I suppose it isn't for sure
But I feel it is
Though I suppose I felt Columbia was right
But I'm hoping this is different
Since I can't afford a relapse
I worked too hard to get this far
And I really cannot let the triumph I captured slip away
At least not this easily
It would have to fight me
And I know I need to win

'Chicago Snowstorm' by Ravyn LaRue

The Chicago snowstorm blows
While I'm tucked safe inside
The fancy hotel feels like The Shining
But I know my own horrors will end soon
I have to study for Math
Make my cheat sheet and take my Final Exam
But I just want to watch cheap super hero movies with Darius
And gloat over excellence I know I don't possess
But the snow outside looks so pretty
It reminds me it's a pretty place
And I wish it had a good heart
But Chicago refuses to smile on me
I wish there were more good people I met
It seems such a polarizing place
The good are glorious
The bad are demonic
I'd rather have my world of greyness back home
Lisa wants to convince me to stay
She says she wishes it got through to her at the time how much I hurt
But I'm glad it didn't, in a way
Since although I want catharsis
And someone to listen to my kvetching
I really would prefer if I weren't pitied
So it's weird, I suppose, to see myself as a woobie
But if Columbia was full of Lisas
Or at least populated more with the sort like her
I would stay
In a heartbeat or the blink of an eye
But I see the baby SPCPA kids getting accepted
And I only hope they like it more than I
But she wants me to stay
And I wish I had it in me to
But I don't
And I know it's cowardice
But I know I mustn't risk it
Mama said I would still survive
But I feel if my heart wasn't kept intact, it really wouldn't be survival
It would be just scraping by-
A bare minimum existence
And though I'm conflicted and confused-
I know I must know myself best of anybody
This isn't counting towards studying for my math test
And this test is my last and final labor
It's the boss battle that might rip me to shreds before I get to sanctuary
So I'll stop
But it's still storming outside
While I'm safe and cozy inside
I'll write back to Lisa once I'm home for real
There'll be no turning back, then
And I know I oughtn't look back
This is my chance to re-write the rules to let them survive
Sierra, Donnie and the me I want to be
And Chicago, like its snowstorms, might be pretty-
But I know better than to stay outside, even if it means I might miss a few flakes

'Five-Hundred Poems' by Ravyn LaRue

She says "Quality Not Quantity"
Remember at all costs
And creeping up on 500 poems
I feel like I forgot
But my thought is
Practice makes at least half-decent
And one out of 500 should at least be good

'Tuesday The Tenth' by Ravyn LaRue

4:30 in the morning
Roaming around empty Chicagoan streets
I'm disappointed that such a bustling city is so lifeless
But I'm happy with the solace
The cold is biting
And I need to eat lest I freeze
So I go to a Subway, the only thing open
I perch with an egg and tomato sandwich and Pringles
I already feel fat in my skinny jeans
My computer is losing battery fast
And my mission is to find my cell-phone
Though I'm sure it'll prove futile
I'm going to give Deb a copy of my book
Despite all my better judgement
We're going to have a party today so I brought donuts
I donut donuts
My references are weird, but I'm glad I make them
I want to write a thing where I compare myself to Donnie
But that's both self-indulgent and self-deprecating
That, and no one would read it
I feel this egg sandwich making me sick
But I need sustenance
Since it's 5:24 AM
My back hurts
And it's -6 degrees outside
Tomorrow my mum and brother will come
I have to keep reminding myself
But I've spent nearly half the care-package I just received from them
Stuff is expensive here
And this is turning out to be less of a poem
And more of a list of thoughts
Though
Then again
That's what most of my poems are, anyways
I won't have egg sandwiches again
Even though I had a dream where I dated a girl
And she bought them for me
Okay, maybe then I'd eat them
But otherwise, no, I shan't
I don't understand this
Any of this
But no one said I needed to
And I doubt I ever will
Though some clarity would be nice
Since I grew so used to my 20/20 vision
Fuck, I'm going to throw up
It isn't the egg's fault
I'm still nauseous from Saturday
Which is pathetic, since it's Tuesday
I think I need to walk again
But it's negative six degrees
And my lips and teeth and eyes hurt
I ran into some drunks when I bought the donuts
They balked at me as if I were a threat
Maybe it's good that they think that
I'm perturbed at myself for scarfing that down so quickly
But there's three hours until class and the party
So as long as I don't chug my coffee
I hope I shan't throw up
I haven't yet despite a constant queasiness
It's an emotional uneasiness manifesting itself in a visceral way
If I were really sick, I'd know it
I'm sitting across from a bank right now
They're projecting what looks like a hockey game
I can't wait for my family to get here
And the subsequent road trip heading back
I talked to Elliott yesterday
And I promise you
Even he's an angel compared to the likes of those here
And I'll spend time with him when I go back
Just how I'll spend time with nearly anyone who wants to spend time with me back home
Since I love my home
And the people it produces
Even the nastiest creature there looks Holy by comparison
I think I wrote 97 pages when I only needed to write 60
But I have 7 left for another class
I just have to pad and quote the hell out of it
Then everything'll be fine
Things are winding down
And I couldn't be happier
Simply couldn't be happier
Well not simply
Because this was supposed to be my dream come true
Yet the reality is I'm counting down hours until I can escape from it
Now to quote something else that applies
All my dreams came true. I just didn't think them through.
I feel like such a dumb-ass
Conflicted, too
Since I will miss people
And that makes me feel even more stupid
Like I'm wrong no matter what
And I'm giving up too soon
But I'll own up to my cowardice
If it brings me a slice of happiness-
It'll all be worth it and more
Since here, I am not happy
I feel selfish and low, but not happy
I know it's not productive
But it's venting
So I think I'll do this until 7:00
Which is a little more than an hour
This number wall scares me almost as much as the bug wall
The one in the math and science department
I don't see why Columbia must further fuel its nightmare fuel
But cruelty is the most predominant art form here
So I don't see why I'd expect otherwise
Nevermind, I'm going to rant about something productive
Well not productive per say
But positive
Well not positive per say
But fun to the degree where I feel like I'm spending my time well

'Perspective Fate' by Ravyn LaRue

People know I want to be a mother
I don't even have to say it
I gush over babies that aren't my own
And am cast as maternal almost always
But this adorable child
With her pink heart-speckled coat
And her sectioned off banana
She's the most adorable thing at the moment
And I should be doing math
Not creeping on cute children
But I want to be a mother
And people seem to think that makes me counter-revolutionary
They say all parents fuck up all children
And I can only hope I fuck mine up in an alright way
Since I'm weird as all hell
And they're bound to have a few of my traits
But I don't even know why I'm writing this
It's odd since I'm still such a kid myself
Coraline T-Shirts and Jack Skellington PJ Pants are the height of fashion for me, at the moment
And now that my brother's here we sing kid's songs often
Though I had to take myself away to do math
But instead I'm cooing over children
But I have to study for my wretched final exam
So I can pass the class
I need to re-watch 'Bart Gets An F'
And cry with it, since it seems my perspective fate
And I'm already doting on my perspective fate
In which I do what this guy did-
Get them McDonald's Toys
And taken them to Starbucks
And sit with them as if they're the only thing in the whole world that matters
Because at that moment they will be

'That Pile Of Books I've Been Meaning To Get To' by Ravyn LaRue

I then realized
I can read the books I want
During winter break

'Starstruck' by Ravyn LaRue

Sitting at the edge of a hallway
The lights gone out for no reason at all
Eating fruit snacks in honor of Ms.Johnson
I'm holding my essay
Twenty-Five pages of blood, sweat, psychology and fangirling
And as I think of the latter
Two figures walk by
One looking far too familiar
It takes me a moment to recognize
And even then I think
No, it's just dreaming and sleep deprivation
Don't be silly, self.

Then I repeat it-
Don't be silly, self
There's a chance it really is him
And if you let that pass you know you'll have no other
Since after all you're moving
And fate might be smiling down
Get up-
Grab your notebook and something other than a highlighter
If it is him you'll want his autograph
I jolt to my feet, all too sprawled into a sedentary state
No sleep but a nap for 3 days
You're in no state for socializing
But this is the only chance
You stand a tad afar
Feeling like an archetypical shy school girl

But you remember you're bold
Though your voice may shake when you get his attention
And your lips curl into your gums from the chapped frigid atmosphere
You wait until he turns around
And you ask if he is who he is
You know it's a stupid way of phrasing it, but it's there at the tip of your tongue
He smiles and says yes

You know you cannot say enough
You ask for an autograph and photo
And answer any questions he and his friend pose
You say, "Yes I go here" though you know that will soon be a lie
You wish you could talk to him about if
But he's a stranger after all
A very kind one, though, who keeps you from recoiling into your meek former freshmen year self
You wish you could ask him if he liked it
But you figure if he's here there must be some slight draw still
And he's charming and sweet
You tell him you're thankful that he isn't a jerk
Since that's always a worry when meeting one's idols

He signs your scrappy green notebook's innards
You always imagined someone signing your diary
But you left that at home
That's fine though
You ask if he signs many autographs
Since he seems to be meticulous with his cursive
He chuckles and says
"Well, I'm getting used to it"
He writes in
"Columbia"
"To personalize it-" he says
"Something in common..." he mumbles
It might not be your home
But it is a shared reality
And there is some pride in that

He draws a sunglasses smiley
Just like Terese likes
Just like the copious amounts of emoticons you use
That's another thing in common

With the photo, he laughs in a tenor way
You think, that's so sweet- you can't get little things like that through a blue-tinted laptop screen
We say cheese
And you hope you aren't grossing him out
Since you're frumpy and chapped
And he's all-put-together
You're glad, though, that you met him
Despite all of anything
Since you had that gut feeling
That could've easily been stifled

You let him leave and thank him-
Knowing to be courteous
Knowing not to keep him, hovering like that one notorious creepy fan
You say goodbye and thank you
Then rush to the surrounding bystanders and brag
Brag that you've met someone phenomenal
Silently brag that you didn't keel over and say something stupid

Now afterwards I sit writing a poem
Thinking of how I wish I would've told him how phenomenal he is
I figured it went without saying
Since I mentioned I was a big fan
And my all-too-energized hand movements probably proved how much this meant to me
Though my caffeine stained voice was quivering
And his was as voice actor-ish as always
I hope it got through to him
I could always send him a tweet
And I'll keep an eye out for Cons
But this makes me happier than anything else Chicago has offered me
For the first time in a month I truly need to journal
This is more important than my birthday
And since my mum and brother have been delayed
I'll take myself out to dinner
And I'll journal about this
My goodness-
I still cannot believe it!

'Redfur Haiku' by Ravyn LaRue

Redfur stays with me
Just like when I was little
He's my good luck charm

'Deb' by Ravyn LaRue

I wish I were the artist I thought I was

Since it feels unkind saying you inspired me

When I really have nothing to show for it

Nothing but more doubts

Because all I thought I knew

And everything I was sure of

Managed to slip beyond my fingertips

And crumble beneath my feet

But I still have this

Flowing fount of sentiment

And though I know it isn't the language you speak

I've come to realize it might be all I can be heard through

But you're lovely and charming

The Joey to my writing

I may not be fluent in your form

Or literate in your language

But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate you

This place is cruel

But I'm glad you've found a home here

It proves you're stronger than I

Though I think that goes without saying

I hope you never have to hear the whispered words

The ones which drew me away

But knowing how kindly you cooed when I confided

I can only figure they've gotten to you too

You said you had to find your family

As did I

And your family is here

And mine is not

So I think you'll understand my departure

I really haven't any choice

It's more than just an existential crisis

It's just easier to label it as such

It's more like how you phrased it

A homecoming

And I'll miss you

I should be deceiving you if I told you otherwise

Anyways

This is better than the letter I wrote you

But you'll never see this

Since letters fit into your place better

Though they may be hard for me

And this is all too easy

And life isn't easy, after all

I certainly learned that here

'Woobie Haiku' by Ravyn LaRue

I relate to them:
Hedwig and Donnie DuPre
'Cause I'm a woobie

'Embarrassing My Brother' by Ravyn LaRue

I can't wait to embarrass my brother
I can just imagine it
I'll meet him in the restaurant
And I'll squeak when I see him
It'll be loud, since I squeaked loudly when I met Joe after being parted only an hour once
But I'll squeak and run to hug him
And I'll hug him
And he'll be okay with it at first, but then I won't let up
And I'll probably start crying
And I'll try to remember to greet him the same way we said goodbye
With "Wingapo, Father!"
But I'll probably forget
And I'll keep hugging and cry like an idiot
And I'll squeak out words through the various tears
It's a good thing I'm shameless
Since I'm a very embarrassing person
But I'm thankful that the people I surround myself with
And will do once again
Are equally shameless
And open to my hyper-sensitive emotions
I hug them for hours and cry in their shoulders and chests
And I love them
And if I embarrass them
Which I likely do
I'm honored that they love me enough to let me carry on
And I can't wait to embarrass my brother
The whole B&B will watch
And over dinner I'll explain why this means so much to me
But I love him and miss him more than I ever thought I would
Which says a lot
Since I was already crying when we parted four months ago
Only 41 hours, I think
But that still seems like too long
I can't wait to embarrass my brother

'Lost Phone- Please Call' by Ravyn LaRue

I lost my phone
At first I didn't care
But I then remembered the message
The call I missed from Hero
Her asking me to fetch her an iron
And my brother in the background
His laugh was authentic
Unlike it often is
And I wouldn't mind
But my mum can only call me
And that message may be forever lost
They losing one's phone is like losing one's virginity
I wouldn't know
But I hope I can get my phone back
In the meanwhile Emma will call my mum
Since she jumps at the opportunity to help
Which is sweet of her
But I think she appreciates recognition
Perhaps more than the warm fuzzy feeling
Either way, it's a sweet gesture
I wish I had my phone back
I'd call people just to hear their voices
Even though it's tomorrow already
And I have homework to do
Which I've neglected
But I've written 88 pages
And I feel the need to temporarily retire
Though I know I don't deserve that
I'm just in a place where it's colder than I've ever known
And Tomorrow-Tomorrow
As in Wednesday
Seems too long to wait to see my family
But I've lasted this long
I just have to keep on moving
For if I stop struggling
I'll drown
Two days until temporary retirement

'Poem to a Fictional Darling' by Ravyn LaRue

At first I was alright with your assimilation

I mean, it was for what I thought was the greater good

And I thought your soul had some say in the matter

But now with the bitterness revealed-

In unfair play, I admit,

I see it now differently

And the entire significance has changed

And, though I saw myself as you beforehand

That's been amped up big time by recent events

And the fanfic I joked about writing

I now will follow through with sincerely

Since I see these things as great big allegories

And the vast intangible bad

Is the same badness I'm struggling with

And though it might not come down to a simple tragic backstory with me

I see myself as you

And that isn't a good thing

But it isn't bad either

And I feel duped by being so on board with your assimilation

Because I feel assimilated here

Into something I was before 

And that which I struggled in the first place to shed

But bitterness is seen as charming

And now I relate to you more

Even though I'm well aware I was among those cheering

I'm sorry, and I wish you were real

Real in your universe as well as mine

And I know this is pathetic

But that's kinda the point, dear

'Cranberry Soda' by Ravyn LaRue

I've written eighteen out of twenty-five pages tonight

But I'm not good at this at all

The nausea still hasn't left

And I know I have goodbye letters to write

And thank you notes to send

But at this moment I want nothing of those things

And I know I need to finish strong

But the knot in my stomach

And the lump of clay that is myself

Just wants to be enveloped by my beloveds

I don't care what I do, I just don't want to do this any more

Everything makes me feel sick

And though it's pretty outside-

I'll give Chicago that much, it sure it pretty

And although it's pretty outside

It doesn't translate into anything of worth

As I know it rightly should

I have to listen to schmaltzy songs to prove my self worth

When back home, I never felt it truly questioned

I just have three days until my family arrives

To rescue me

Even they phrase it that way

And hopefully I'll get some money tomorrow

And the semester will end in six days

I have to count my blessings

Since, though I know there are many

Negativity is all too easy

I don't even know what my plan is for next year

I only have twenty-three days until 2014

I should try to get my act together

But then again, I always say that

And here we go again

Beginning of the year, and things are worse than ever

But this year it's real

And I won't just me being trivial

But at least I'll be back

And in spite of my existential crisis

I'll have my family and I'll have my home

And that is all I need, you know

Three days until that all will start

And I hope my kvetching will wash away

Since I'll surely try

I just need to rev up and get through these last three days

'Ateityje Adresu' by Ravyn LaRue

I'm scared that when I'm older
I will see this all as nothing
For I will have seen worse by then
I know that's nearly inevitable
At least if I live long
Which I fully intend on doing
So this might seem like nothing
And although I've done it before
I'm doing it again

Hello future self, I am writing to you now
Can you recall how you felt when you applied to come here?
Can you recall how you thought everyday you'd be at your most triumphant?
Remember how you saved the message on the phone when mama said I got an acceptance letter?
Remember how, for a while, the box it was sent in was your most cherished belonging?
There were tears in your eyes and excitement in your heart when you told your brother.
You thought it'd be like your home.

Remember how SPCPA was home?
I promise you now, you long for it more than anything.
You met your un-biological sister there.
You met nearly all those you call your beloveds.
You were comfortable singing.
You could be whatever you wanted to be, as long as you were also kind.
Which you were there, because nearly everyone was kind there.
You could be emotionally naked, and no one scoffed at you or told you to cover yourself and keep from being disgraceful.

Here is not home, self.
And now you're only reiterating the same points that you doubt anyone else could fully grasp.
But you know in your heart it is worse than Saint Marks, which is already infamous in your mind as a traitor
And you know Columbia is worse
Much worse
Since it cannot hide behind pious unkind religion
And it claims to be kind
Saint Marks claimed to be kind, but their lies never fooled you
Remember College Orientation?
You were eating right out of their hands.
Remember how you believed every word?

I'll tell you what you are now.
You are in a McDonald's typing
It's all you can afford to eat
And all you can bring yourself to do
You feel the same bitterness that Home took out of you
Because SPCPA was home
You think now of all the good things
All the good teachers you wish you could always be pupil to
You don't know what to do or think or feel
The only things tangible to you are sadness and longing for the past
And the sadness is deep
And the past is sweet
And you're thinking whether or not this sadness will seem warranted
And you know that no one here sees things as miserable, but you
And they tell you you're just being sensitive
But your heart disagrees
And your brain sides with your heart even though they so often disagree

You ask yourself to remember when you were happy
And you try to conjure that emotion again
But here, where you are in life, it seems so false when you muster a smile
And you've far surpassed the point of pretending
You long for emotional nakedness
And the past where you could be open and cathartic
And the people who surrounded you didn't respond with jeers
Rather they enveloped you in hugs
And told you your tears brought on theirs

Here you have to struggle to sing
And when you do, it hurts profusely
But you sing anyways

You sing the body electric-
Since you get it now
Because here, that's the thing you long for most.

This isn't kiddie angst, I promise you that
Because you never felt this much sorrow since Saint Marks
Herfandahl, Cameron and the rest could be difficult to deal with
But at the end of the day-
Home was still Home-
There was nothing they could do to stifle it
Because it's spirit was resilient
As is yours
Which is why
In a few years from now
You'll think
"How silly I was to write with such passion and vitriol, I was just a silly teen-"
But I promise you
I promise me
Your reaction should be equal to the hatred towards Saint Marks-
Though amped up a hundredfold
Because it deserves as much hatred as you can muster
Even then, it isn't enough

I hope by the time you read this:
1. You're singing again
2. You're surrounded by beloveds
3. You're emotionally naked as often as possible
4. You're kind
5. You believe the words you wrote to yourself at 10:24 PM on a Friday at a McDonald's on W. Jackson when you were supposed to do math homework since your emotions hurt too much to allow yourself to do anything but write.
I hope you still write lots.
I hope it's better than this, but hopefully just as emotional.
That's important, you know.
I hope you're doing well.
I really hope you're doing well.

'Canu Hurtrwydd' by Ravyn LaRue

I don't want to be cowardly anymore
And I'm well aware that being brave-
Means I'm simultaneously choosing to be dumb
But in this moment-
This part of my life-
I feel it's necessary to go for this
I can count many moments of alleged intelligence
And astonishingly few moments of courage
My soul needs to sing again
And singing freely requires some stupidity
Since it's inevitable that people will try to silence you
They'll try to break you-
And hurt you-
And take away everything you've worked in this life for
I know that because that's what they're doing now-
Whenever a tiny mumble escapes my tightened lips
But I need to go further
Chance the consequences
I have to be as brave as I pretend to be
Just like Sierra
I need this right now
I just need this right now
Regardless of how foolish I'm well aware that this will be
My soul needs to sing again

'Ain't Got No Sleep' by Ravyn LaRue

No sleep ain't good
Nor is coffee
But I do both
And one fuels the other
Goddamn
I'm twitchin'
This ain't good
No, this ain't good
I'm all veins and bloodshot eyes
And twitching
After 10 cups of coffee I'm thinkin'
No, this ain't good at all
But I do it

'227-244-6773' by Ravyn LaRue

You're the only one I can talk to on the phone
So it hurts especially
When you get mad with me for taking up your time
As if I don't have things to do, too
But they aren't more important than talking to you for a bit
Though your things are more important than talking to me

'Veins' by Ravyn LaRue

My veins in my wrists are poking through my skin
It's really gross
I hate veins
At least when they show like this
It's like the line in 'Esperanza Rising'
Where she complains of her worker's hands
But this was brought on by sorry
I'm sure of it
I'd like to get fatter, only for the sake to cover up these gross blue tributaries
I thought of tattoos, but I'd only find it grosser
I could wear many bracelets
But they might rupture the wounds
I hate this
I hate this
They can't see that I'm falling apart
But if they knew the former me
They would see what this place does to me
I'm disintegrating, for God's sake.
Mama says my voice has changed
And that scares me more than anything-
My voice means the world to me, as odd as that might be.
I'd rather have gross veins and a good voice.
I'd wear opera gloves when I sang it.
But I'm falling apart in multiple ways
Which I surely cannot control
And I need to write
Resting these gross wrists on the warm laptop.
I constantly feel like a zombie here.
Empty, in a way.
I'd rather be a wendigo-
At least they feel something and have agency.
But I have no choice.
And my veins protrude, though I wish they didn't.