4:30 in the morning
Roaming around empty Chicagoan streets
I'm disappointed that such a bustling city is so lifeless
But I'm happy with the solace
The cold is biting
And I need to eat lest I freeze
So I go to a Subway, the only thing open
I perch with an egg and tomato sandwich and Pringles
I already feel fat in my skinny jeans
My computer is losing battery fast
And my mission is to find my cell-phone
Though I'm sure it'll prove futile
I'm going to give Deb a copy of my book
Despite all my better judgement
We're going to have a party today so I brought donuts
I donut donuts
My references are weird, but I'm glad I make them
I want to write a thing where I compare myself to Donnie
But that's both self-indulgent and self-deprecating
That, and no one would read it
I feel this egg sandwich making me sick
But I need sustenance
Since it's 5:24 AM
My back hurts
And it's -6 degrees outside
Tomorrow my mum and brother will come
I have to keep reminding myself
But I've spent nearly half the care-package I just received from them
Stuff is expensive here
And this is turning out to be less of a poem
And more of a list of thoughts
Though
Then again
That's what most of my poems are, anyways
I won't have egg sandwiches again
Even though I had a dream where I dated a girl
And she bought them for me
Okay, maybe then I'd eat them
But otherwise, no, I shan't
I don't understand this
Any of this
But no one said I needed to
And I doubt I ever will
Though some clarity would be nice
Since I grew so used to my 20/20 vision
Fuck, I'm going to throw up
It isn't the egg's fault
I'm still nauseous from Saturday
Which is pathetic, since it's Tuesday
I think I need to walk again
But it's negative six degrees
And my lips and teeth and eyes hurt
I ran into some drunks when I bought the donuts
They balked at me as if I were a threat
Maybe it's good that they think that
I'm perturbed at myself for scarfing that down so quickly
But there's three hours until class and the party
So as long as I don't chug my coffee
I hope I shan't throw up
I haven't yet despite a constant queasiness
It's an emotional uneasiness manifesting itself in a visceral way
If I were really sick, I'd know it
I'm sitting across from a bank right now
They're projecting what looks like a hockey game
I can't wait for my family to get here
And the subsequent road trip heading back
I talked to Elliott yesterday
And I promise you
Even he's an angel compared to the likes of those here
And I'll spend time with him when I go back
Just how I'll spend time with nearly anyone who wants to spend time with me back home
Since I love my home
And the people it produces
Even the nastiest creature there looks Holy by comparison
I think I wrote 97 pages when I only needed to write 60
But I have 7 left for another class
I just have to pad and quote the hell out of it
Then everything'll be fine
Things are winding down
And I couldn't be happier
Simply couldn't be happier
Well not simply
Because this was supposed to be my dream come true
Yet the reality is I'm counting down hours until I can escape from it
Now to quote something else that applies
All my dreams came true. I just didn't think them through.
I feel like such a dumb-ass
Conflicted, too
Since I will miss people
And that makes me feel even more stupid
Like I'm wrong no matter what
And I'm giving up too soon
But I'll own up to my cowardice
If it brings me a slice of happiness-
It'll all be worth it and more
Since here, I am not happy
I feel selfish and low, but not happy
I know it's not productive
But it's venting
So I think I'll do this until 7:00
Which is a little more than an hour
This number wall scares me almost as much as the bug wall
The one in the math and science department
I don't see why Columbia must further fuel its nightmare fuel
But cruelty is the most predominant art form here
So I don't see why I'd expect otherwise
Nevermind, I'm going to rant about something productive
Well not productive per say
But positive
Well not positive per say
But fun to the degree where I feel like I'm spending my time well
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