Existential Crisis, Assimilation and Identifying with Donnie DuPre:

The most difficult semester of my life is finally over so I'm going to write a blog that deals with why it was so difficult, but also dealing with Demo Reel since I have a lot of new-found feelings about that show. I'm also going to direct it to my beloved friend Jennifer, since I think she might relate to this in a way.

Briefly stated, I have felt so miserable at Columbia College Chicago, I don't even know how to explain it properly. I dealt with a homophobic teacher, who I mentioned before, though she only got worse from there. I also received a death threat from a roommate and due to fight or flight left my dorm only to be homeless for a weekend. In general Columbia's creative atmosphere was not the sort I wanted to be around, though I felt myself becoming assimilated and scared to be myself. I felt myself relapsing to a former state/someone I didn't want to be, and had I stayed at Columbia I wouldn't have been strong enough to fight against that relapse.

Alright, so, with all that said, I really want to explain myself regarding why I relate Donnie from 'Demo Reel' at least as of recently, since it's much less clean cut and much more meta than most instances of me identifying with a character.

Here's some background for Jennifer as well as those who aren't in the fandom. I don't even know if Jen identifies as part of the fandom, but I've been recommending TGWTG videos to her, and her and I watched Musical Reviews over Skype, so there's that, at least.

So Doug Walker (The Nostalgia Critic) did The Nostalgia Critic for quite a while but got bored with it and thought up this project/show called 'Demo Reel' which was like his baby. He was *so* excited to make it, so after five years of The Nostalgia Critic he concluded it with 'To Boldly Flee'. In 'To Boldly Flee' Critic realizes he's changed from the bitter, miserable jerk he began as and sacrifices himself to save his beloveds. After that Donnie DuPre, the protagonist of Demo Reel comes into play. He's much more optimistic, affectionate and kind than the Nostalgia Critic. He's also much less miserable and bitter than Critic, like as if Critic from the end of 'To Boldly Flee' became more of an outward sweetheart. Then 'The Review Must Go On' happened (SPOILERS) where Donnie is ripped away from his beloveds and is forced to assimilate with the Nostalgia Critic because Doug decides, after being connived into the decision by the ghost of the Nostalgia Critic, that Donnie was Critic all along. This happened, in a meta sense, because 'Demo Reel' didn't have a particularly wide audience and a multitude of people who were fans of The Nostalgia Critic positively berated Demo Reel.

I liked Demo Reel, the first episode dragged on a tad, but from then on it was phenomenal- the best TV Series (that actually isn't a TV series, but whatever) that I had ever seen. Even then, in January, I identified tons with the characters. Back then, Rebecca was my go to gal since I knew how it felt to be seen as unintelligent because I'm often excitable and animated, how it felt to be a hard working actor who has roles they aspire to play given to younger and/or more attractive girls who might not work as hard, and most of all, the feeling of art you put your soul into being destroyed.

Now, after hearing that Doug truly didn't want to give up Demo Reel and only did it for the fans, so he'd still have viewers (I don't fault him for it, those viewers give him his income, and in this world one needs money to survive, unfortunately), my perspective has changed. I have my own personal and emotional reasons for this, and the fact that I no longer am as alright with Demo Reel's cancelation, mostly because I identify so much with Donnie, but then again, had it not canceled perhaps I wouldn't identify as much with him.

I wrote a poem about it, actually...

Here's the deal, though. Before SPCPA I went to a school called Saint Marks. It was dreadful: "Pious, Hateful and Devout" to quote 'Hedwig and the Angry Inch' (something else this whole Columbia predicament has made me identify with). After going there I was bitter, cynical, easily upset and generally miserable. I was also extremely self-conscious and insecure. Those are traits that can be used to describe the pre-'To Boldly Flee' Nostalgia Critic.

Then I went to SPCPA, obviously. Over time I became kinder, more friendly, more outgoing, more confident, less pessimistic and bitter and much more comfortable with myself, and around others. I had beloveds, something that really wasn't the case at Saint Marks. I also came to terms with the fact that I'm queer and embraced that through Queertopia. I was making my own art and doing what I loved with people I loved, and despite the misery of my past, I was happy! That state was much like Donnie in Demo Reel, though his demons ate away at him more than mine ate away at me, though the issues are very dissimilar, and not what I'm writing about. What was similar was the confidence, the happiness and the feeling of belonging. Demo Reel and Donnie were me at SPCPA.

For the record, beloveds-wise:

1. Jennifer you, are Quinn (An Adorable individual who has a love/hate relationship with Karl (Darius) and will do random things to cheer me up when I'm not feeling well.)
2. Terese is Rebecca (A badass girl who is hilarious and silly. She always goes along with my weird ideas without any question yet knows I'm a tad off sometimes.)
3. Darius is Karl (A fraternal tough guy who gets annoyed with me easily but deep down is a sweetheart who cares for me and helps me when I'm in trouble.)
4. Joe is Tacoma (The person I can be most outwardly affectionate with, and who I collaborate with often. More down to earth than I, but a kindred spirit, essentially.)
5. Then came Columbia which is 'The Review Must Go On' I felt my worldview and all I was sure of crumbling beneath my feet. I saw myself little by little turning into this person I used to be: bitter, pissed-off, insecure and unhappy. I knew that if I stayed at Columbia the only future I had was both relapse and assimilation. That's why I left. 

In that way, I don't identify with Donnie, since I made it out alive with my personality intact whereas he assimilated into what was now revealed as his former self. I still like 'The Nostalgia Critic' and in some ways identify with him, but Donnie is my darling. Part of this, too, is because I have a sneaking suspicion that he's based on Ed Wood, who I identify with.

Critic/Donnie/whoever has also had his share of existential crises, and that's what I'm in the midst of, it seems.

And this is why I think you might relate, Jennifer: Donnie is like the me I was at SPCPA and hopefully the me I still am, whereas Critic is the me I was before: the me who's afraid to sing and afraid to show my true colors. That's why this is such a big deal to me.

Also, in a completely meta way, Columbia was to me like Demo Reel was to Doug Walker, I think, because I was so looking forward to attending Columbia. It was my dream, and I had so much faith in it, yet before it could even get going, life threw a curve-ball and made it fall apart before I could even do anything marvelous with it.

So, Jennifer, you brilliant creature, as well as anyone else who might be reading this rambling, that is my current situation applied to 'Demo Reel'. I wish Donnie could be resurrected, as my SPCPA self has been, but I know that's doubtful, since the fandom doesn't like him as much as Critic. For the same reason I doubt there will ever be 'Demo Reel' DVD's, but if there were, I would buy one during a charity drive! (Now I'm just rambling...)

In conclusion: I thankfully got out alive and un-assimilated, though Donnie DuPre, who I identify with, unfortunately did not.

P.S. I met Malcolm Ray who played Tacoma, and if that isn't spectacularly exciting, I don't know what is!