Monday, March 31, 2014

'The Albino Pigeon in the Park is me' by Ravyn LaRue


Every time
I come up with a project
I really feel I can put my soul into
and make a difference with
I get scared and turn back
which is why
this time
I'm asking people to back me
so if I fall back
propelled by self doubt
and cowardice
(which are really one in the same)
they can shove me back onto my feet
and say
"Nope-
did those you admire give up
when things got difficult for them?
well, I suppose the people *you* like aren't the best examples
but you shouldn't be a little baby
you're supposed to be grown by now
take some initiative
have some agency
it may hurt
and you may seem stupid
but just keep writing
and someday
you'll hopefully have something
we all can both be proud of-"
At least that's what I hope they'll say
but it scares me
that those beloveds I'm closest to
might hate me entirely for this
which is the utmost reason
why I'm so reluctant
to bury myself
in the depths of this project
that I believe is right
I have to
go back to pretending
no one
no where
ever
will read what I write
otherwise
I'll be afraid
of the repercussions
because those aren't important
what is important
is ridding myself of this bile
the caulk that's been jamming up my veins
Dear Self remember-
Life may never go on
or recover from the stumble you had
if you aren't entirely willing to write about it
you have to just let go of pretense
if they hate you
then, really,
it proves how much what you said needed to be said
remember:
Frederick Seidel said,
"Write beautifully what people don’t want to hear."
and Ernest Hemingway said,
"Write hard and clear about what hurts."
I have to do this
I can't put it off forever

'It's Beginning to be Springtime At Least' by Ravyn LaRue


I think maybe
I'm giving up on lent
for this year
because I've already cheated enough
and once you've cheated for a while
it begins to lose its fun
but anyways
my brain seems bursting
with all the things
I want you to know
even though
I'm not sure
whether I know them all myself
really
but I wish to be beloved
because I am selfish
but I'm grappling
at the crossroads
since things I'm soon to write
will not win me friends
and I doubt that'll be all
but I want to tell my stories
and I feel I owe it
to whoever else's soul
sits dormant inside me
I feel the need to be an activist
in spite of my tragedy
not being as gripping
as others' are
I need to read Hell's Angels
and anything else
I think might allow me to pluck up courage
since I was a coward in person
and the least I could do
is be brave behind the keyboard
regardless of what that might mean
concerning my overall likability
because I am human enough
to be able to survive
in spite of how many people
wish I didn't
I suppose that'd be my moral
if I had one
and my motivation
which I need

Sunday, March 23, 2014

'Quoting Lyrics When You Can't Find A Title' by Ravyn LaRue


I'm not even meant to be posting on here
because I'm too meta to keep from mentioning
that all this is after all is a poetry blog
but oh, how I adore you readers
you hold my heart and that means the world
in the metaphysical wasteland I reside in
but I oughtn't even be posting
because it's lent and I'm catholic even though I'm not
but I suppose the turmoil from that
can just be set upon all the turmoil I feel
anyways and otherwise
I was on tumblr
although forbidden
looking up pictures of Giordano's
and pining
seeing all the boasts of sweet home chicago
wanting to snarl and rave at it all
this was all supposed to work
you know
and seconds before refuge in sleep
my mind always gets shouting
"You see that
you were a coward"
but I sit now
sad
longing
and unfulfilled
and writing the same poem I've written
each time I've sat down to write
for the last three months
because I'm certainly unwell
perhaps I'm insane
but admitting it in those words is ableist
I'm seeing Jen's concert tomorrow
and she is my beloved darling
she means so much to me
and all my beloveds
are found families
although that's an old concept in my mind by now
I just wrote an essay about the trope
and that's half the reason why I watch Demo Reel
just allow me to quote some Amanda Palmer
and we'll be done with it
but in spite of it all
and all my pretense and failures
you're still here
reading like a true sweetheart
and that means the world to me
that have an ear towards my catharsis
and take my heart
when I rip my fat ribcage open
because art is my religion
and Hero is my confirmation sponsor and saint
even when Columbia tore me to shreds
with it's vitriol
no worse than what I could do
if I put my mind to it
because I'm awful
but I'm nice
remember that
but you were here
throughout it all
and that means the world to me, dearest
truly

Thursday, March 20, 2014

'Now The Blow's Been Softened Since The Air We Breathe's Our Coffin' by Ravyn LaRue


I don't know what to think
within forgiveness I'm finding regret
and now I'm feeling stupid
this all is stupid

I certainly don't miss Chicago
I feel like I would've died
had I stayed there
since there came a point
where I hadn't any salvation
so I felt entirely alone

And now I'm here
feeling far too trapped
trapped by goodness
but trapped nevertheless
and it makes me wonder
whether I'd feel any better
if I were freer, yet sadder

And silly things
like behind the scenes
where I'm pretty sure the cast
orders Giordano's
makes me think
I wish I had a cast when I was there
a team
a family of some small sort

I really don't like feeling conflicted
I'd rather all out hate something
or all out adore it
but the world is full of greyness
even if I only care
to look for vibrant reds and blues and purples

I'm pretty sure I don't want to stay in MN forever
I already feel as though I'm encased in a comfy tomb
and I can't help but feel
even if my flesh were rotting
I could still breathe, perhaps

I want to stay here
until I'm sure of my future
and what I want to do with my soul
but that isn't good at all
considering most people never fully know
and I'm itching with wanderlust

I am pissed
all this was supposed to work
from the beginning
when I was loading up my campus card
and imagining weekends spent
perched at lake michigan
sometimes alone
but always fulfilled with the knowledge that
in my dorm and in my classes
I would have beloveds
and that was not the case

I feel weak for not fighting
but I try to remind myself
of the frog in boiling water analogy
she'll jump out if it's immediately hot
but if it eases up to scalding
it really won't seem that bad

New York City is too big
Portland might be too small
London is too far away
New Orleans is too dangerous
And Chicago didn't work out

Existential angst
is the furthest thing from new
or unique
but it's all I've been barfing up
as of late

I see Chicago destroyed
in videogame ads
and alien movie climaxes
and I want to cheer
in bitter sadistic resentment
but it was in those streets
where I often had nothing but myself
and I must teach myself
to recall those times
when I would've looked back
and seen it as good company

I don't want it to be winter again
I want the sun to burn off
these layers of my skin
that shivered

I don't cut my wrists
and I never did
but I have scars nevertheless
I used to blame it on ghosts
my teachers say it's due to stress
and I want to bind my wrists
to keep whatever's happening from happening
but it must mean something
so perhaps I oughtn't try to stop it
since I still don't feel like a fighter

I still don't feel like a fighter
I feel like a survivor
and that is just as brutal
just as violent
and mainly just as selfish

Friday, March 7, 2014

'Last One Before Adhering To Lent' by Ravyn LaRue


Here are the things
I plan to do
instead of taking time
on tumblr

I'm giving it up
in hopes of
spending my life living
instead of reblogging
at least for a while

I have homework but that's uninteresting
I plan to start reading 'Edward Tulane' but I said that already
I hope to respond to Deb and Lisa's letters
I intend on writing to beloveds (in cards if I can find them, otherwise Chicago postcard leftovers)
I promise to write more poems (some birthday ones for Joe, in fact)
I need, positively need, to catch up on journaling
I ought to organize my stuff
I should do some singing, that'll be splendid
I must read all of Medicine River by Thomas King
I can go up to the Starbucks by SPCPA on a day or two
I will do all the things on this list

Yay!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

'Spirituality and Edward Tulane' by Ravyn LaRue


In class we're talking about spirituality
and spirituality, unlike religion,
is what I'm all about, and
if you can believe it,
I'm hoping to improve
I feel like reading will help
end journaling for myself only, might
so that's what I'm doing for Lent
even though I don't count as Catholic
it's a thing that I know, so I'm going with it
plus Jen is giving up pop
and Terese is writing her glorious letters
I decided I wanted in on it with something
but the book I will read
I am hoping
will help me to forgive, perhaps
or at least heal me to some degree
because its author is someone I adore
though I've never met her personally
yet she's helped me through tons
so I'm hoping history will repeat itself
the book I'll be reading is about a bunny
which goes with the Easter idea
as well as the deep deep deep love and longing I have
for those I call my beloveds
since the triumvirate from 2/16 are quite symbolic
I think I'm of the mind that
if I try hard enough, I can claim anything as my spirituality
but what must be realized is
anything that makes my soul feel radiant yet aching
is something I feel might make me whole and better
so, yeah
Spirituality

'You're Tugging At My Heartstrings' by Ravyn LaRue


I don't even think you realize
how visceral my missing you became
as soon as you began uploading memories

'Golden's Deli 2/28/14' by Ravyn LaRue


The sweet blonde barista
who wears tribal print
and has a lisp
gave me chai tea, iced coffee
and 10 whole cookies
all free, for no good reason

'Lent Thing Aside From Today' by Ravyn LaRue


I'm gonna try to
give up tumblr for Lent and
instead I will read

'Therapist Song (That Actually Has A Melody, Surprisingly)' by Ravyn LaRue


Oh how I wish I had a therapist
Because those who have them all seem smart
And I don't feel smart on my own lately
But I haven't any money and so yeah...

'Lying In Bed And Being Afraid' by Ravyn LaRue


You know what's mean?
I've literally prayed that people miss me as much as I miss them.

'Soul-Speak' by Ravyn LaRue


I'm avoiding homework again
I do that
It's a common occurrence in my life
I don't think this is a poem
I don't really know what is anymore, obviously
But I've been thinking lots today
About the fact that I love soul-speak
(I've decided to call it that since I don't have a better phrase)
And it seems all my favorite people are entirely fluent in
Soul-Speak
And I adore them wholly for it

'Lent Letters' by Ravyn LaRue


Terese is so sweet
again she'll write Lent letters
I love her so much

'Pasta' by Ravyn LaRue


I want to go out
For Pasta with my Brother
But I am still sick
And I have something
Due at midnight left to do
But perhaps I can
Try to make it work
Because I love pasta and
I, of course, love him

'Syllabic' by Ravyn LaRue


I've been writing too many haikus
I've started counting syllables
When it doesn't even matter
Which is completely redundant

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

'Isabelle' by Ravyn LaRue


I'm feasting in the science building
Since I bought my lunch early
And brought it with me
But anyways I'm tying up Lenten loose ends
Easter is on 4/20 this year which is forty-five days from now
Lent this year seems important this year
Life needs order even though I'm eager to discredit organization, and hence religion
Easter should be beautiful, though, since rebirth seems mandatory right now

‘How To Sing’ by Ravyn LaRue


A girl once asked me to teach her to sing
I never wound up doing so-
I thought it unethical
Since I’m not Ms.Hart.
Regardless
First you stand, you can sing sitting, but try standing first
Make sure you drink water beforehand-
But when you’re onstage it won’t seem to matter since your mouth will dry up anyways
Then you take a deep breath-
Direct it to somewhere sturdy and low-
Be that your thighs, pelvis, feet or lower-gut
Lower-gut
is best in my experience
Then feel something
At first it doesn’t matter what; you can fine-tune it later-
Feel something.
Don’t do this onstage
(Unless you want to; who am I to judge-)
Motion your arm backwards, twisting your wrist
As if beckoning the sound to come up from that low place it resides
Point at the wall and project
The sound will hit where you point, at least with practice
That’s the target
That’s the simplest it can be-
It might not be technically the best at first
But singing is still singing
And singing is strong
You have to believe in that strength and keep it
Hold it safe but be sure to show everyone
If they scream at you while you belt ‘Hedwig’ in the shower
In hopes of finding that voice that was once strong in you
And now is relapsing out of fear
Know that those who shout and swear
And intend to make you feel like nothing
They don’t matter in the slightest
Because Ms.Hart believed in me
And I believe in you-
I promise.

'Being Sick To One's Stomach' by Ravyn LaRue


An awful thing in life
Are moments when
That that ought to give you comfort
Makes you feel like you're rotting
Inside-out

'Sally Coffee-Mug Exercise' by Ravyn LaRue


Warm
Sweet-Smelling
Lilac
Fragile
Thick
Heavy
Pastel
Coffee
Smooth
Tactile
Lumpy
Round
Light Grey
Autumnal
Feminine
Girly
Pretty
Childhood
Vanilla
Caramel
Delicious
Liquid
Watery
Comforting
Childlike
Soft
Hands Holding
Cupped Fingers
Hands Shaking
Favorite
TNBC
Girl
Home
My Own
Lavender
Purple
Sweet
Kind
Happy
Endearing
Commonplace
Morning
Daily
Late Nights
Watching Suburban Knights and
To Boldly Flee
January
Winter
Early Spring
Palms
Hand-Bones
Sadness
Mild
Poetry
Productivity
Pale

'Margaret' by Ravyn LaRue


she was _____________________________ my sister and
she _______________________________ was kind
And I ________________________________ am hers
And She ____________________________ was mine

'The Eventual Play' by Ravyn LaRue


I want to write a play
but after I've written the final draft
who knows what's to become of the thing
I'll just inconspicuously leave scripts
at theaters after I see shows
or I could start my own in an alley
either way I'll write it
so at least I'll have something written

'Ruth Shoes' by Ravyn LaRue


Her sole was worn down from walking many roads
Her leather skin ripped and wrinkled from her many years
She had belonged to many within her long life

Her last owner was her favorite
Though she was paraded around through winter winds and snow
Though she had been used polyamorously to fit into different roles
Though her laces frayed and replaced semiannually

Her last owner was her favorite
Because although the others cared
When it came time for her to leave, they gave no second thought

But the last owner knew it was her responsibility
To shepherd the shoes into oblivion
Owner put it off as long as she could
But knew all this was inevitable
Since her seams were deteriorating
And it wouldn’t be long, now, before she falls apart completely

'The Monument' by Ravyn LaRue


My favorite place when I was a kid was...

The monument by the mississippi river
I'd walk there with my mom and dog
And I'd chase around the statue at the center of the park
As Mama shook her head at the spray-paint obscenities scrawled by hoodlum teens
I'd bounce from rock to rock
And run down the great hill
And everything was happy and perfect then and there
My cousin got married there
And my ex-boyfriend said he wanted to follow her lead with me
And my childhood self snarls-
To think we almost let him ruin such a perfect place
Because it was Eden for me
Surrounded by garden
And a religious image itself
But that wasn't what mattered
What mattered was the playful hop-frog jumping rocks
And the look out to the sunset and Minneapolis in the distance
And the watercolor rain upon the flora
And the fossil digs in the deep summer
And the racing on my bike with Darius
And picnicking with Tutu with parasols and mesh bags
And running through valleys of Autumnal leaves sweeping all around me
There was absolutely nothing wrong there
I remember
The times I set out to run away
That was where I wanted to run away to

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Why I Think Talking About Problematic Things Is Helpful


I haven't written a blog in a while, but this topic has come up lots within the last few weeks for me, so here we go! This concept started ruminating in my head due to an anon message I got indicating I was whiny for reblogging a post mentioning how it would've been nice to have more diversity in the Harry Potter books, and how it's worth mentioning since it's a choice the author could've made as opposed to making the protagonists represent already often represented groups.

The anon said, "As a member of the queer community, I demand representation of different sexualities but I don't complain about something that is also intended as a message about the wrongness of oppressing certain groups of people. FOR CHRISTS SAKE, THE HARRY POTTER SERIES WAS BASED OFF OF THE HOLOCAUST! SO THINK BEFORE YOU WHINE! :)" and I replied, "Also, I didn’t know it was based on the holocaust, but, in my opinion, that’s even more of a reason for it to be an opportunity to represent marginalized peoples. I think the allegory of the holocaust would carry over better if the characters embodied some currently oppressed groups of people, queer people, for example, but I suppose that’s just my opinion."

The anon also suggested if I wanted better representation, I ought to write my own book, and it got me thinking. I aspire to write a few books, not necessarily to be published, since that's a very difficult thing to do, yet I want to tell certain stories. (I'll probably put them online once I have something I'm proud of for each.) With that said, though, it made me think of my own perspective and previously written stories, which helped me look at them through similar, yet inherently less objective eyes to how I look at things produced by other artists.

Because of this, I changed around some details for a story I want to write, and I sincerely think it'll be better, at least in terms of visibility of some groups, because of it. I'm not saying I'm good at representing groups, or a good writer or anything like that, but the fact that someone, albeit a somewhat abrasive anon, pointed out that I should have a more diverse cast of characters I write, just as the original post I reblogged pointed out to J.K. Rowling, it caused me to change my perspective and hopefully better the things I make.

Similarly, in terms of introspectively looking at whether or not things could be problematic, I found a biggie in the storybook I wrote, 'Sophie Browne Isn't Dead'. (I'll write about that in a separate blog post.) My point is, due to seeing problematic things pointed out in things I enjoy, I understood how I took those problematic things and put them into my own art. It hopefully won't invalidate my book, but it does make me realize my mistake, and because of this, I hopefully won't repeat it! Also, for the record, I'm not trying to be like, "Oh look at how awful the things I like are, they made me do this and I'm just circumstance's victim who's a perfect flawless feminist artist who could never do anything bad on my own..." Media impacts people, but I'm at fault, too, obviously, for not actively thinking about the implications of my artistic choices.

Also, as for my poetry, I'm pretty sure I've written some terribly problematic poems, but, quite honestly, I am not at the point in my life where I'm ready to go back and look through them. (I have a multitude of reasons, but mostly because I write about difficulties often, and it is tremendously stressful for me to go back and relive moments I had a hard enough time struggling through the first time.)

I assure you I've said stupid awful things, but I promise you, I'm sorry!

Also some of my poems the speaker has nothing to do with me, opinion-wise, so some are purposely problematic, not to offend people, rather to be a character (like Ask That Guy With The Glasses, for instance, who says offensive things and is diabolical for diabolical's sake).

Just real quick, the thing I know I do that's awful is ablism in the form of romanticizing depression and "insanity" which I know isn't good, yet when I'm depressed and/or feel like I'm falling apart, that's often what materializes in my writing. Again, I'm not saying I'm a good artist, but I am an artist, and so I should be as sure as I can be that what I make isn't hurting anyone.

I just wrote in rebuttal to an unkind anonymous message sent to a friend, who points out problematic things in things she likes, "Having problematic things pointed out in stuff you enjoy isn’t done to ruin your perception of your favorite stuff, it’s done because there are problematic parts of that stuff. If one isn’t aware of things that (though often unintentionally) hurt others, they’ll be more apt to keep perpetuating hurtful things, and that isn’t helpful to anyone!" and I truly believe that (I should do since I bloody wrote it).

I know I've seen many posts saying that they've become better people since tumblr introduced social justice activism to them, and, hey, look, you're reading another one right now! I've become  so much of a better person, at least in my eyes, since finding out about all this stuff. I've made my own life better by deciding I didn't have to be skinny in order for me to like how I look. I also have the audacity to hope that I might make others' lives better through social justice someday.

Being aware of these things comes with a bit of a price, though, or at least for me. As anyone who reads what I write on any sort of a regular basis probably already knows, I've done my share of kvetching about Columbia College Chicago, which I attended last semester. I was so profoundly disappointed by the experience because I saw so much bigotry thrown around haphazardly in my acting class by the professor and other students, as well as subtly around campus. (Also I was threatened by my roommate, and lots of other miserable happenings occurred, but that's irrelevant right now...)

Anyways, I heard things such as my best friend/classmate being made fun of due to her Indian accent, and my other classmate being ridiculed by the teacher for wearing a Shalwar kameez, which she called a "dress" and indicated he was "some sort of tranny" because of it. My acting teacher publicly berated students for their appearance, myself included, and banned males from allegedly feminine behaviors and females from allegedly masculine behaviors, and went so far to claim trans* and bi/pansexual individuals didn't really exist and were just confused. Personally, I was avoided and vilified due to being pansexual (which was often equated to lesbian since the people I came in contact with often denied pansexuality existed, since they didn't believe trans* individuals or bisexuality could exist).

I bring all these unhappy memories up because, I assure you, had I never read the feminist/social justice blogs and resources I did, particularly those analyzing things I appreciate, I doubt I would've been able to see the huge issue in all those instances. Although knowing, now, how harmful behaviors like these are is a wonderful thing, since it will hopefully help me to keep from behaving in that way myself, the mantra certainly does seem true that ignorance is bliss. Had I been kept in the dark about social justice issues, I'd likely shrug off those memories, and I'd likely have stayed at Columbia, where I would've been surrounded with bigotry, though never the wiser.

I don't mean to berate Columbia or its students/teachers. Many of them wronged me, but I'm really trying to be as good of a person as I can be and I'm really trying to forgive them and get on with my life instead of being trapped in negativity.

To quote Donnie DuPre from Demo Reel, "I almost let something really stupid, really painful, really hurtful in the past consume me. Well, no more. I am done obsessing. I’m not doing this anymore." (Aside from being relevant to me, I wanted some Demo Reel in here because that show is/was super-into social justice/feminism and calling out problematic stuff and I adore it because of that!)

The biggest reason I want to forgive these people, aside from earnestly believing it will help me to be a kinder individual, myself, is because, as I said before, media influences people, and, although it doesn't make saying and doing unkind and problematic things right, it does provide a bit of an explanation. For all I know, the guy who made fun of my friend for her Indian accent was just repeating a joke from 'The Big Bang Theory'. The things I heard about myself as a supposed lesbian were parroted from 'Mean Girls'. The fat jokes my teacher chortled out may have been from 'Mike and Molly', for all I know. Maybe that same teacher heard the slur "Tranny" on 'Arsenio Hall Show' and thought it sounded hilarious. These are all hypotheticals, but hopefully what that this proves is that, though that media might be funny or interesting, it also is likely passing on troublesome things to the people who watch it. Media affects us for better and for worse, and I truly believe, when it's the latter, we should be as mindful about it as we can be.

So go ahead and like 'Frozen' or 'Nostalgia Critic' or 'Harry Potter' or 'Big Bang Theory' or 'Mean Girls' or 'Macklemore' or whatever, but please don't be unkind to those who point out problematic bits, because talking about problematic things is really really really helpful!

P.S. I just realized how much I referenced TGWTG in this blog post, which is particularly apropos because 1. I love it! 2. I fully acknowledge it's problematic in its own ways. 3. Pointing out problematic things in media is a big part of what they're about (and Chez Apocalypse, for that matter) and hence, being a fan and watching a multitude of TGWTG stuff helped me to notice problematic things and be a more observant feminist, and hopefully a better person!

P.P.S. PLEASE tell me if you notice me doing/saying anything problematic, it would truly help me lots, and I'd be grateful even if I don't necessarily agree with you 100%! Thanks in advanced!

Monday, March 3, 2014

'Listening to Gonzo as I Rode the Bus Home' by Ravyn LaRue


Hunter S. Thompson
Heard 'Candle In The Wind'
And thought about himself

'Everyday A Little Death' by Ravyn LaRue


It smells like chicago outside and I hate it
Though I slept all day so it shouldn't concern me
Though I did dream of things that should terrify me
I dreamt I was cast in a show and was thankful
Played a matriarch mad all bedecked in light lilac
And after the show I came crying to Hero
She told me my new dream was not quite for me
I said I agreed when it came to the present
But I'd build up my life so I could take the strain
She said no never you really won't thrive there
She wasn't herself so I still disagreed
And it scares me to think that dream her might be right
Since real her was right with Columbia's concern
And it scares me to think she might not be herself
I should heed premonitions but look to the real thing
But what if the real thing still says the same
And I can't afford another huge failure
This last one was quite hard enough as it is
But my mind keeps falling into these vast chasms
And believing I don't of course have what it takes
And I want to roar and heave up some defiance
But then I might return depressed and ashamed
Having a second dream is quite the hassle
When your first got so battered it immediately died

'Bubby' by Ravyn LaRue


Morgan wags her tail
in her sleep, hitting my feet.
It's a great feeling!

'Blue Nails' by Ravyn LaRue


I'm wasting my youth
on bitching about things but
I should be happy

'Vanessa's' by Ravyn LaRue


For what it's worth
I really love playing diabolical
I belted out 'Girl With One Eye'
repeatedly
for about an hour last night
And it's too bad
that the archetype I fit in
Isn't often portrayed as villainous
which might be why I have so many
darkish sanity slippage poems
If I can't play characters
I've noticed I tend to fall into writing as them
Thankfully
my beloved role
falls under the diabolical category
as well as the maternal one I reside in
But until then
(and I believe steadfastly it's a "when" and not an "if")
But until then
I'll keep on belting while all the world's asleep
and I'll likely write more Vanessa poems
really, whether I would like to or not

'Lani' by Ravyn LaRue


I'm kinda glad she doesn't read my poetry
Even when I give her the opportunity to
Because if she did, she'd of course know how I feel
And perhaps it'd make her reluctant
To allow me to smother her with my soul
As I let my heart melt right out through my ribcage for her

'Crying-Voice-Cracks' by Ravyn LaRue


Sadness is pretty
And that is problematic
The memories that stick out
The sitting in bed
Not knowing whether he was dying or just sick
But letting the sitcoms play
And your brain numb
That was so ordinary
But I have photos
And I find those photos beautiful
It's coming up to three years since
And I'm still sad as a state of being
And I still walk heavy in skyways
And I still eat cereal since I don't want to bother Mama
Since she yells at me enough
But crying is on the list I made
of things that are attractive
And apathy absolutely is not
Yet I've found that pretty blue sadness turns grey fast
And grey turns colorless
I would rather have something
I find beautiful and problematic consume me
Than to keep on going aimlessly
I don't even know what to do anymore
His ghost was never scary
But I saw something today that was
And I don't know what to make of it
Since I hardly know what to make of anything right now

'Warning To My Future Homesick Self' by Ravyn LaRue


Disclaimer:
When you're away from home
You'll believe she's a Saint
and that you're the one who wronged her
Caution:
That is a fallacy
Be sure to remember these times

'God *Damn* Your Dumb Ass' by Ravyn LaRue


I misjudged when Hunter's death day was
I had plans for March since I thought it was in March
It'll be late but I'll do them
I mean I even bought a fucking shirt, for Christ's sake
I listened to Gonzo while I rode the bus home today
And I got some poetry ideas, so I'll do them too
But, dammit, I feel bad now
I mean, I really ought to prioritize those who are living and known
Yet he's beloved, so I'll stick to my plans
As he, unfortunately, stuck to his

'No Use Repressing Affection' by Ravyn LaRue


I just remembered something
There was a time in my life when I wouldn't hug anyone but family, basically
since something had determined it was too awkward otherwise
And when I would hug
Darius, for example
I'd often unintentionally slam my teeth against his shoulder blade
Because of course it had to be fast
So it didn't seem too mushy
Ha- that was certainly a different time!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

'Regret' by Ravyn LaRue


I feel like I don’t know what poems are anymore
but I have this deep and profound longing to write emotion
because when I read emotion, I feel it to my core.

I found a thing in my inbox tonight
from Jen asking whether I had any regrets
and I haven’t answered, because I’m selfish
but the question makes me want to cry
still, I say my answer is no.

I have a soreness of the soul
I would never wish to use it to lessen others
since in the vast cosmos
my pain equates to nothing nothing nothing
still, I like that I can hurt
because aching in my soul and in my heart
prove that I somehow still have both

I was reading a poem written by a friend, earlier
she spoke of saying goodbyes
and packing up optimistically to begin the journey to college
and I don’t think I could ever explain
the sort of agitation that causes me
because I’m still hurting

I dreamt last night
my best friend entered the war-zone
and I went with her smiling
because I don’t deserve her, and I wanted to help
but we kept coming upon things familiar to me
I panicked and buried my face in her shoulder
and she didn’t mind me, which meant a lot
but it didn’t help me to harold her onto her dream

Longing is what I would describe this stage
I want things to be like they used to be
but I know that cannot be
so I’m longing for the glory of the future
but it all is so unknown
so for now I’m stuck pining in purgatory

As I lay last night
hoping to get some sleep
I ran my hands over my chest
imagining how nice it would feel
if I could scrape off my flesh
and give my heart to someone

I really must be extroverted
since I was Joey’s ticket taker
and I went to a party
both today, and my soul seems happier
but I miss profusely when this wasn’t a rarity

there were times in my life where I’d see these people
everyday at school
and every Sunday, because that was how we lived
but as we grow older
things are bound to change
and you’re a loser if you fight it
so I just have to float with the current a while
even if I’m not so keen on swimming forward

Last Summer life was beautiful
truly
and I worry that life will never again live up to that magnificence
I mean, I was blessed profusely by something
I had beauty around me
and I was expecting beauty ahead of me
but in spite of my better efforts
I’m more reluctant to presume there’ll be beauty in the future

Yet I have a dream
I’m just too cowardly
I can feign intensity all I want
but as my dream showed
as well as real life
when terrors come
I’m all too quick to run away or hide
and that isn’t the sort of behavior that wins happiness

As much as I long for heroic Intervention
I know she’s busy with her real babies now
I’m so scared, and I never used to be

I suppose
to answer your question, Jen
I don’t regret Columbia itself
I regret what I let myself become because of it