'The Albino Pigeon in the Park is me' by Ravyn LaRue

Every time
I come up with a project
I really feel I can put my soul into
and make a difference with
I get scared and turn back
which is why
this time
I'm asking people to back me
so if I fall back
propelled by self doubt
and cowardice
(which are really one in the same)
they can shove me back onto my feet
and say
"Nope-
did those you admire give up
when things got difficult for them?
well, I suppose the people *you* like aren't the best examples
but you shouldn't be a little baby
you're supposed to be grown by now
take some initiative
have some agency
it may hurt
and you may seem stupid
but just keep writing
and someday
you'll hopefully have something
we all can both be proud of-"
At least that's what I hope they'll say
but it scares me
that those beloveds I'm closest to
might hate me entirely for this
which is the utmost reason
why I'm so reluctant
to bury myself
in the depths of this project
that I believe is right
I have to
go back to pretending
no one
no where
ever
will read what I write
otherwise
I'll be afraid
of the repercussions
because those aren't important
what is important
is ridding myself of this bile
the caulk that's been jamming up my veins
Dear Self remember-
Life may never go on
or recover from the stumble you had
if you aren't entirely willing to write about it
you have to just let go of pretense
if they hate you
then, really,
it proves how much what you said needed to be said
remember:
Frederick Seidel said,
"Write beautifully what people don’t want to hear."
and Ernest Hemingway said,
"Write hard and clear about what hurts."
I have to do this
I can't put it off forever