Books Read In My 20's:

1. Mother Courage and her Children
2. Ecology of a Cracker Childhood
3. David's Redhaired Death (again)

Potential Things For My Performing Arts Resume

1. Gloria- The Elevator Play
2. Assistant Sound Designer- The Madwoman of Chaillot
3. Stagehand/House Management- MCTC PRIDE Drag Show
4. Stagehand/House Management- Let's Keep Dancing
5. Youth Performer- Queertopia
6. Marmee- Little Women
7. Matron Mama Morton- Musical Theatre Showcase 2013
8. Justice Hawthorne- The Devil and Daniel Webster
9. Chastity Saint James- The Cacophony of Carnage
10. The Nurse- Romeo and Juliet Scene Study
11. Heaven Hop Soloist- Musical Theatre Showcase 2012
12. Ruth- Pirates of Penzance
13. Ophelia- Hamlet Scene Study
14. Ensemble- Carousel
15. A Night At The Improv
16. Mother/Ensemble- Wonderland (The Musical Misadventures Of A Girl Named Alice)
17. Susie- Hansel and Gretel

'I’m That Dalmatian From The Photo' by Ravyn LaRue

for about a week I thought I might be a lesbian
or at least felt I ought to find a better word than Pansexual
and I’m back to feeling comfortable with the word
but nothing feels absolutely correct
so I may easily become one who identifies as queer
without narrowing the specifications any further
but at the moment I like the word Pansexual
possibly because the unofficial is a Pink/Yellow/Blue Panda
and I’m keeping my Bi Pride sticker on my phone
even though its nearly disintegrated into nothingness
no matter what I am calling/have called/will call myself
I am extremely extremely extremely queer and glad of it

'Hegemonic masculinity' by Ravyn LaRue

I’ve found myself very dismissive of straight boys recently
and I felt somehow simultaneously mean and empowered
but it seemed also that I was a hypocrite
I kept on grappling with myself with:
“How can I identify as pansexual,
if I’m ruling out someone due to factors related to gender”
and “how can I be a demigirl
if in my gender presentation
I want absolutely nothing to do with hyper masculinity”
but then I discovered a term that was my master key:
Hegemonic masculinity
That is the thing I want absolutely nothing with
since what seems to compel gross straight boys
(and probably some mislead closeted queer ones)
to be absolutely misogynistic
and add "No Homo" as an epilogue
to any human emotion they’re brave enough to show
that is the masculinity I want no part in
both in my own identity
and in the identity of anyone I might ever choose to share myself with
one of my teachers once eluded to me being a man-hating feminist
and I’d like to use #NotAllMen as a power for good for a second
and say that I most certainly don’t hate men, only Hegemonic masculinity
which, while I’m at it, is a way more wonderful phrase than “testosterone poisoned"
since it isn’t the hormone’s fault that people behave awfully

'Past Self' by Ravyn LaRue

I’m very nurturing of my past self
it’s super weird and I acknowledge that
but when paging through an old diary
when I read accounts of the bad things
that occurred to me- past me
it brings back all that emotion
but I feel it as if it were empathy for someone else
since I am not that same human that I was
and reading of my hopes and dreams of that time
seeing my now self achieve them
even if they’re as seemingly passive as seeing Hedwig
I feel fargin for that person I once was
like “hey, love, you made it far enough to see
the thing that seemed to help most
in person- in the flesh- in the soul
I’ll keep us going longer
because who knows what else might reveal itself as possible”
and I know my self a year from now
will likely look down upon this self that now types
like “hey, love, you made it far enough to ______________"

'Rootless' by Ravyn LaRue

Recently
something that has come up quite often
is the importance of having a physical home
we talk about it in Theatre and Ecofeminism
and in Native American Studies last semester
and I’m not sure what to think
since that isn’t all that important to me
for my sake
home means the ideals I hold sacred
so anywhere that embodies those
feels to me like home

I went back to my childhood neighborhood
and although it never felt like home
it seemed particularly unwelcoming
and now, as when I was eight,
in times of sadness I wish I were living in NYC
but I know even if I find a home there
I might not be able to stay in it
since the only reason Minnesota began feeling like home
was SPCPA
and since my hope is to find something similar to SPCPA
once that dries up and I graduate for real
I’ll have to start back over from square one

But everyone seems to keep telling me it’s important
that one without a home is nothing
but I get antsy with physical spaces unless my soul feels at home
Home is where the people I’m surrounded by
are fluent enough in my soul speak
enough to make me feel
like I am not alone

'Proof I’d Make A Charming Yitzhak' by Ravyn LaRue

I was called “butch”
and I don’t mind
but it caught me off guard
since I wasn’t even trying
and believe me I have tried
yet today
in my glitter tights
and femme shoes
I was read as more masculine
than when I make a valiant attempt
I felt weirdly honored though
that I was considered in the same category
as those who have rebellious disregard for gender roles
when I am still so shy with my experimenting
but I want to try more stuff
since college is meant to be when one finds themselves
and does different things to see what fits
I’ve heard it said that gender experimentation
makes one become more whole
so I’m going to keep doing my thing
and perhaps I’ll be read as butch on a day I’m actually trying

'Sing In The Elevators, Park, and Parking Lot' by Ravyn LaRue

I used to be so good
at singing without caring what others think
now I care so it no longer is art
it's merely ego
I need to sing for the sake of my voice
no longer hiding light
out of worry it may be snuffed out again
singing is important
singing is strength
and singing is far bigger than me
I have to remember that
next time my brain tells me
I ought to silence my soul's most prevalent strength

'May 25th' by Ravyn LaRue

I stayed up all night tweeting
#YesAllWomen
and I feel drained and dead
my vision is impaired
perhaps due to all the crying
so I'll take a nap
draw up Darius' birthday card
journal
write him a poem
and write more about the tragedy
but I stayed up all night tweeting
because it was
the most important thing
I've spent my time on in ages

'Ancient Again' by Ravyn LaRue

She was her usual
waddling up the stairs
strides as crooked as the rest of her
ambling with coffeecup in hand
swishing and swooshing the contents
though lightly enough so as it wouldn't spill

She sat down
as if she would reside there forever
took out a pen and ledger
and feigned such intensity
looking down at the paper
so as her face would not be noticed
every so often
she crinkled her papers
and stole a sip from her mug of ice

She is such a shy thing
and it's unfortunate considering
how much she seems to have to say
and how loudly she tends to talk
when she makes herself believe
no one is there to listen
but they are there to hear her
and that scares her
to the point where she has become ancient again

'fatgirl dancing' by Ravyn LaRue

I am fatgirl dancing
dancing for she knows
the world would rather she stay still
though that is not acceptable
I will dance in the fountains
of the hopeful home that betrayed me
and I will dance any and everywhere else
since defying laws of gravity
and flying through the atmosphere
are powerful things that scare the world
and on its own it makes me happy
I am fatgirl dancing

'Cristal 1.6 mm' by Ravyn LaRue

I wrote an amalgamated five page letter
to someone I was once close to giving my whole heart to
confiding in him about everything difficult
all occurrences of the last few months
but the last time I did that sort of thing
I burned a bridge I wanted nothing more than to repair
and so I shall not send this letter
though I penned it in pretty pink ink
on lovely skeletal stationary
and dotted it with childhood heart stickers
lest it seem so sad
I cannot afford losing anyone
but I'm pushing people away without actively intending to
but I'm sure there's some sort of poisonous aftertaste
which migrated to my heart, heaving
"If no one is beside you there'll be no one to break me again" 

'Monstrosity' by Ravyn LaRue

I've been very much into
allegories comparing myself to scary things
witches and corpses and dragons and wendigos
and anything that could rip apart those who try to harm her
but it's because I certainly am not that
I'd rather dance and sing and put flowers in my hair
and have absolutely nothing of the tearing apart
but things keep occurring that break me
and when I am broken I forget my rainbows
and only want blood
because I have never been more scared
and I still am so fearful
it is a coping mechanism, obviously
to wear an armor and pretend you are able to scare off evil
if only you choose to bear your teeth
life isn't like that
but when I panic and cry
and it's applicable to sing 'Masters of War'
I want to tear out the throats of whomever paints themselves as kind
while they terrorize and burn down their own villages
because don't want my future baby dragons
harmless and clawless
to be broken like be
moments after they learned to fly
just because some rich king's son
sees them as homely
I feel the need to preemptively protect them
even though I am de-clawed
and my voice is only barely growing back
and in the real world I cannot turn into some great monstrosity
I am merely me
yet they're armed to the teeth against me nevertheless

'I don't often write about sex, but-' by Ravyn LaRue

he said she was mean
for not faking an orgasm
what's wrong with him?

'And I Have Been Delivered From The Stuuuuuuuuff!' by Ravyn LaRue

Sometimes there's no better feeling
than hitting the high notes of your favorite broadway power ballads
while you're singing at 3:00 AM in the shower

'Kids Can Be Cruel But You Never Were' by Ravyn LaRue

I cannot believe
how unkind I was as a child
in dance class I was jealous of a girl
with pretty red hair and freckles
and Simon I tried to control
and I tried to scare Jessica
(I still find myself doing so)
and I feel awful for being such an awful person
but here's the deal
adults would so often come up to me
and tell me I was the kindest child they knew
it makes no sense
I see my past self as awful
but as I age and have developed a voice of my own
adults reminisce saying
"Oh remember when you were a child-
you were so nice back then!"

'And All You'll Have Are Bruised Knuckles' by Ravyn LaRue

My brother wants me to learn Martial Arts with him
he says I can do it-

"It's about what you're willing to do to someone
It's an art form, about honor and loyalty
It's about being centered
It's about having power over your mind
It's just like everything else Ms.Hart taught us
It's about knowing yourself-"

And although I should be hung up on questions of strength
I'm most worried about not knowing myself
because I do not feel one with my soul as I used to be
I don't know if I know myself anymore

She and I drifted apart
and that scares me more
than any potential enemy blackening my eyes

'Rainy' by Ravyn LaRue

Today I saw my friend Renee
working at Doc Popcorn
and though it took a moment
for her to see me
when she did
she scaled the gate
distancing the cashiers from the customers
and ran up and hugged me
for at least five minutes
and it shocked me dearly
since it’s been ages
since someone so rejoiced
due to my mere existence
she asked me of my future
to which I just shrugged
though for hers I cheered
Filmmaking in Florida
and as I toddled off to buy flowers for my hair
I giddily squee-d
since she is such a darling friend
especially to think I alone am worth such doting
she’s the one who deserves the fanfare

'You Have To Believe There Is Reason For Hope' by Ravyn LaRue

What I want out of life
is to be kind enough
to make up for all the unkindness
I’ve witnessed and felt
and I want to gather up all the children and say

“My dear ones,
you do not have to be like this
please don’t imitate awfulness
because as meek as kindness and softness may seem
it’s the strongest thing I could ever ask of you
and I love you
and I don’t want you to hurt one another
though as hard as we may try
humans always hurt each other
but please, my darlings,
just try your very best
because I believe in you
and I love you all so much”

Perhaps that means I should be a teacher
since as hard as I may try
I’m not as good as writing children’s books
but as Fredrick Douglass said,
"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”

And it means the world
to many others as well as I
that one should be the person they needed
when they weren’t strong and were struggling
and I’ve been lucky enough to have heroes
who’s belief in me kept me going
and I assure you
if you are reading these words
I believe in you
and I love you
I promise

'Sleepover Sessions' by Ravyn LaRue

Sometimes I feel like I’m being dumb
whenever I record myself crying
and put it on the internet
because it will prove to anyone
that I am an unstable and sensitive beast
who might cry on a dime
and they say people like that
cannot survive in the real world
so if you are one of them
hide your tears and fake it until you make it-

But I think there is something to be said
that I can record myself
speaking or singing
for no one else’s edification but my own
and I will cry
and do my best to make eye contact with a camera lens
because for me this is the truth
and I know it might be naive and unwise
but I think there is some bravery in raw emotion
and I would rather let my guard down
and prance into battle naked and die
than spend an eternity safe behind an armor
wherein no one can pierce my heart
though they cannot cradle nor hold onto it neither

I’m in the process of uploading another crying video
in which I know I sound sensitive and selfish
but I believe that being too soft
is better than the alternative
since I have been struck
and I now know what it feels like
so by letting the world see me cry and kvetch
my hope is that someone else
who cries whenever they speak of what hurts them
decides not to back down from battle
due to the fear of letting others see their tears
because rawness and truth
are stronger than all the bombastic bigotry in the world
and in two minutes
I will add my tears to the universal sea of humanity