'The Albino Pigeon in the Park is me' by Ravyn LaRue

Every time
I come up with a project
I really feel I can put my soul into
and make a difference with
I get scared and turn back
which is why
this time
I'm asking people to back me
so if I fall back
propelled by self doubt
and cowardice
(which are really one in the same)
they can shove me back onto my feet
and say
"Nope-
did those you admire give up
when things got difficult for them?
well, I suppose the people *you* like aren't the best examples
but you shouldn't be a little baby
you're supposed to be grown by now
take some initiative
have some agency
it may hurt
and you may seem stupid
but just keep writing
and someday
you'll hopefully have something
we all can both be proud of-"
At least that's what I hope they'll say
but it scares me
that those beloveds I'm closest to
might hate me entirely for this
which is the utmost reason
why I'm so reluctant
to bury myself
in the depths of this project
that I believe is right
I have to
go back to pretending
no one
no where
ever
will read what I write
otherwise
I'll be afraid
of the repercussions
because those aren't important
what is important
is ridding myself of this bile
the caulk that's been jamming up my veins
Dear Self remember-
Life may never go on
or recover from the stumble you had
if you aren't entirely willing to write about it
you have to just let go of pretense
if they hate you
then, really,
it proves how much what you said needed to be said
remember:
Frederick Seidel said,
"Write beautifully what people don’t want to hear."
and Ernest Hemingway said,
"Write hard and clear about what hurts."
I have to do this
I can't put it off forever

'It's Beginning to be Springtime At Least' by Ravyn LaRue

I think maybe
I'm giving up on lent
for this year
because I've already cheated enough
and once you've cheated for a while
it begins to lose its fun
but anyways
my brain seems bursting
with all the things
I want you to know
even though
I'm not sure
whether I know them all myself
really
but I wish to be beloved
because I am selfish
but I'm grappling
at the crossroads
since things I'm soon to write
will not win me friends
and I doubt that'll be all
but I want to tell my stories
and I feel I owe it
to whoever else's soul
sits dormant inside me
I feel the need to be an activist
in spite of my tragedy
not being as gripping
as others' are
I need to read Hell's Angels
and anything else
I think might allow me to pluck up courage
since I was a coward in person
and the least I could do
is be brave behind the keyboard
regardless of what that might mean
concerning my overall likability
because I am human enough
to be able to survive
in spite of how many people
wish I didn't
I suppose that'd be my moral
if I had one
and my motivation
which I need

'Quoting Lyrics When You Can't Find A Title' by Ravyn LaRue

I'm not even meant to be posting on here
because I'm too meta to keep from mentioning
that all this is after all is a poetry blog
but oh, how I adore you readers
you hold my heart and that means the world
in the metaphysical wasteland I reside in
but I oughtn't even be posting
because it's lent and I'm catholic even though I'm not
but I suppose the turmoil from that
can just be set upon all the turmoil I feel
anyways and otherwise
I was on tumblr
although forbidden
looking up pictures of Giordano's
and pining
seeing all the boasts of sweet home chicago
wanting to snarl and rave at it all
this was all supposed to work
you know
and seconds before refuge in sleep
my mind always gets shouting
"You see that
you were a coward"
but I sit now
sad
longing
and unfulfilled
and writing the same poem I've written
each time I've sat down to write
for the last three months
because I'm certainly unwell
perhaps I'm insane
but admitting it in those words is ableist
I'm seeing Jen's concert tomorrow
and she is my beloved darling
she means so much to me
and all my beloveds
are found families
although that's an old concept in my mind by now
I just wrote an essay about the trope
and that's half the reason why I watch Demo Reel
just allow me to quote some Amanda Palmer
and we'll be done with it
but in spite of it all
and all my pretense and failures
you're still here
reading like a true sweetheart
and that means the world to me
that have an ear towards my catharsis
and take my heart
when I rip my fat ribcage open
because art is my religion
and Hero is my confirmation sponsor and saint
even when Columbia tore me to shreds
with it's vitriol
no worse than what I could do
if I put my mind to it
because I'm awful
but I'm nice
remember that
but you were here
throughout it all
and that means the world to me, dearest
truly

'Now The Blow's Been Softened Since The Air We Breathe's Our Coffin' by Ravyn LaRue

I don't know what to think
within forgiveness I'm finding regret
and now I'm feeling stupid
this all is stupid

I certainly don't miss Chicago
I feel like I would've died
had I stayed there
since there came a point
where I hadn't any salvation
so I felt entirely alone

And now I'm here
feeling far too trapped
trapped by goodness
but trapped nevertheless
and it makes me wonder
whether I'd feel any better
if I were freer, yet sadder

And silly things
like behind the scenes
where I'm pretty sure the cast
orders Giordano's
makes me think
I wish I had a cast when I was there
a team
a family of some small sort

I really don't like feeling conflicted
I'd rather all out hate something
or all out adore it
but the world is full of greyness
even if I only care
to look for vibrant reds and blues and purples

I'm pretty sure I don't want to stay in MN forever
I already feel as though I'm encased in a comfy tomb
and I can't help but feel
even if my flesh were rotting
I could still breathe, perhaps

I want to stay here
until I'm sure of my future
and what I want to do with my soul
but that isn't good at all
considering most people never fully know
and I'm itching with wanderlust

I am pissed
all this was supposed to work
from the beginning
when I was loading up my campus card
and imagining weekends spent
perched at lake michigan
sometimes alone
but always fulfilled with the knowledge that
in my dorm and in my classes
I would have beloveds
and that was not the case

I feel weak for not fighting
but I try to remind myself
of the frog in boiling water analogy
she'll jump out if it's immediately hot
but if it eases up to scalding
it really won't seem that bad

New York City is too big
Portland might be too small
London is too far away
New Orleans is too dangerous
And Chicago didn't work out

Existential angst
is the furthest thing from new
or unique
but it's all I've been barfing up
as of late

I see Chicago destroyed
in videogame ads
and alien movie climaxes
and I want to cheer
in bitter sadistic resentment
but it was in those streets
where I often had nothing but myself
and I must teach myself
to recall those times
when I would've looked back
and seen it as good company

I don't want it to be winter again
I want the sun to burn off
these layers of my skin
that shivered

I don't cut my wrists
and I never did
but I have scars nevertheless
I used to blame it on ghosts
my teachers say it's due to stress
and I want to bind my wrists
to keep whatever's happening from happening
but it must mean something
so perhaps I oughtn't try to stop it
since I still don't feel like a fighter

I still don't feel like a fighter
I feel like a survivor
and that is just as brutal
just as violent
and mainly just as selfish

'Last One Before Adhering To Lent' by Ravyn LaRue

Here are the things
I plan to do
instead of taking time
on tumblr

I'm giving it up
in hopes of
spending my life living
instead of reblogging
at least for a while

I have homework but that's uninteresting
I plan to start reading 'Edward Tulane' but I said that already
I hope to respond to Deb and Lisa's letters
I intend on writing to beloveds (in cards if I can find them, otherwise Chicago postcard leftovers)
I promise to write more poems (some birthday ones for Joe, in fact)
I need, positively need, to catch up on journaling
I ought to organize my stuff
I should do some singing, that'll be splendid
I must read all of Medicine River by Thomas King
I can go up to the Starbucks by SPCPA on a day or two
I will do all the things on this list

Yay!

'Spirituality and Edward Tulane' by Ravyn LaRue

In class we're talking about spirituality
and spirituality, unlike religion,
is what I'm all about, and
if you can believe it,
I'm hoping to improve
I feel like reading will help
end journaling for myself only, might
so that's what I'm doing for Lent
even though I don't count as Catholic
it's a thing that I know, so I'm going with it
plus Jen is giving up pop
and Terese is writing her glorious letters
I decided I wanted in on it with something
but the book I will read
I am hoping
will help me to forgive, perhaps
or at least heal me to some degree
because its author is someone I adore
though I've never met her personally
yet she's helped me through tons
so I'm hoping history will repeat itself
the book I'll be reading is about a bunny
which goes with the Easter idea
as well as the deep deep deep love and longing I have
for those I call my beloveds
since the triumvirate from 2/16 are quite symbolic
I think I'm of the mind that
if I try hard enough, I can claim anything as my spirituality
but what must be realized is
anything that makes my soul feel radiant yet aching
is something I feel might make me whole and better
so, yeah
Spirituality

'You're Tugging At My Heartstrings' by Ravyn LaRue

I don't even think you realize
how visceral my missing you became
as soon as you began uploading memories