'Gnosis' by Ravyn LaRue

It's happening again
As it's happened before
I've upset you
You the glimmering beam of light
Who I go to for guidance
When I haven't anyone else
But I'm selfish to think of you as my problem-solver
You're your own
And I just say and do stupid things
When my idiocy lets me forget that
But I don't mean to upset you
There are millions of people I would rather have hate me
As long as I have you as my friend
Which is why it was stupid of me to do all the complaining I did
"How did I come to this, where every song I sing
Is nothing but a list of pain and suffering?"
I've found some things to remedy my situation, anyways
And you and I have dealt with more hideous things
I'm selfish and somewhat self-aware
And I want to change for you
Because you are so selfless
But you know I'm melodramatic and permeable
Whereas you're good at stability
Far better than I, at least
And I cope in the stupidest ways
That hurt you
And I'm sorry
Because I'm naive and dumb
Life imitates art, and I am Sierra-
Ruining everything without even trying
And hurting those she loves the most
Because she thinks monsters can be defeated with selfish acts
Though, we both know, they cannot
But I'll tell you this much
Vast ideological monsters make me cherish the goodness back home
Those monsters make me realize what wonders I was enraptured in
Those monsters make me miss and long for my beloveds and you and everyone
And I'm really trying to sort things out
It's easy to claim stubbornness and bravery until things like this happen
I'm Sierra, once again
And I want only to sing with my beloveds again
I listen to 'Wicked Little Town' latching the lyrics onto my current state, and think,
"This is the opposite of the love and freedom I felt this last summer!"
But you know how much I love you
Because I dare not make mendacity one of my many faults
And those I love, I love so much
Especially now
Especially here
Where my soul is here
But my heart's back home
And I can rip my ribcage all I want
And offer hands out to spectators
But I feel like I have no heart to give
Just a soul that's raked with sadness
And the void hurts
And I fill it with all the trappings I can accumulate
But that only is a temporary fix, you know
I just want to be home
But my heart and mind and soul all want radically different things
And so this year will be my deciding time
Because I've never felt so much
And I feel a whole damn much, naturally
So this is an odd sensation
Made colder due to the horrid fact
That in my kvetching and foolishness
I hurt you
And I can bare self-inflicted scratches if it means forgiveness
Since I'm dumb and I would never upset you intentionally
At least I know I'm the cause
So I can do something to resolve the awful feeling I caused
Or at least try to
But right now, in my selfishness and indulgent nature, all I want is to be home with you
Making wedding cakes for people we've never met
And eating guacamole with Cisne/Scarecrow/Glen/Basil/Armand
(I give that boy far too many names...)
He and you and I can do what I cannot here
We can defeat vast ideological monsters with the love we share and secrete
It will be beautiful
And hopefully it might make up for my own current galumphing about and causing pain to those I truly adore