'Charming Crazy' by Ravyn LaRue

The way I am, when I write sometimes-
Makes me feel like an inanimate object, shocked self-aware by a burst of sporadic lightning.
I feel like a character, a narrator perhaps, snapped out of shock, in order to break the fourth wall.
I often have the thought that I'm beginning to know too much about my mysterious makeup-
To the point where I worry my maker might think, "Darn she's becoming cognizant, better give her a lobotomy-"
But now I just sound crazy, don't I.
I say it's playing crazy, but really, I work with what I've got.
And I'm not diagnosed, so I'm probably just being terrifically insensitive to all those who have real problems.
But I don't know, wouldn't my lack of clarity when it comes to my mind count as a bit of something in itself.
That's what I tend to think.
Though amidst all the confusion, I do have moments where I feel soberingly self-aware.
Often times it's when I do this.
I write what my brain spits and slobbers, and it gets creepy fast.
I don't mind it, though, since that is how I work.
I think it really is a form of enlightenment, since there was a while there when I was content with claiming to be well-adjusted.
I need to find some sort of middle ground, and I guess that is one of the things I'm trying to sort out now.
I would really like to blaze a new trail other than this Edgar Allan Poe schtick that I've gotten into the habit of unintentionally emulating.
It might be charming, but it isn't all that helpful to me.
I think I should have an insanity week, wherein I write the hell out of myself.
Catharsis on the most primal artistic sense.
And the rest of the time I could use to be a charmingly sane individual.
Yet madness, if that is what this is, has a tendency to seep into everything to one degree or another.
I used to romanticize it, in a hollywood sense, see a character who happened to have some sort of disorder and I'd think-
"Aww, how charming is that- it makes them so much more adorable and quirky!"
or
"Woah, he's so edgy, look at all that violence and passion and intensity- yeah!"
Either aren't very good.
But it seems to be my fate, in a laid back sense.
I'm not a Renfield; I function.
And I love the passion this possible thing I have must've unleashed.
It does scare me a bit, and because it amps up emotions, my sadness lays me low.
But I'm up for it, I kinda have to be, if this is real for me.
Which, as I've mentioned all these many many times, I do believe it is.