I keep dreaming that you aren’t dead
I suppose it must mean something
It wouldn’t be reoccurring if it weren’t important
But why would my dreams be taunting me so
With this trickster prevalence
It was charming the first time
But now it’s just miserable
Knowing when I wake up
All will be the same
For better or worse
My dreaming could be telling me the all to cliché and obvious
“His spirit lives on!”
But that doesn’t seem to be it
I’ve always believed in ghosts
And you pop up in my mind organically
You are americana and movies and PBR
How could you disappear?
But evidently my subconscious does not want me to forget you in the slightest
You would tell such stories of your childhood
And try to reason why mine wasn’t as golden
But you did your darnedest to make it so
You’d listen to my stories as if they were the greatest in the world
I think that’s why I latched onto the Scorpio Cynic
He reminds me of your passion
But you’re more sweet and tragic than he could ever attempt to be
But you made her life so gold-leafed
You were so funny in how you joked with her
It gave me a clue to what love should be
You were a more participatory patriarch
That was nice
You were americana but not testosterone poisoned
I never got the vibe from you that I couldn’t be like the little boys you reminisced of
And I could be however I wanted
You wished to see my transformations
But I’ve grown more since you left than I have ever done before
But now
Due to your state
I don’t doubt that you had a hand in it
You’re the star-keeper after all
And I don’t doubt that you’re the one pushing me towards the bright lights
And big city
You’re making this possible
But I wish you were here
That should be all more than obvious
Especially due to this silly dreaming
They’re just in my head
Though that’s fallacy since they sprout from my red-orange heart
You were like the Soliloquy for me
Only better
Less patronizing and more up for it
You see things now
You perceive my failures and dumb decisions
But I feel like you’re shrugging them off sweetly
Girls will be girls
You gave me strength to cry in the spotlight
And wriggle that message into her heart
She seems motivated to endure
And you’ve got to keep helping me insure that
Now I have friends to tell adventures about
And though differing greatly in tone
I will do what you did for me
And paint another’s youth golden with my passions and remembrances
If you want to be in my dreams again
That’d be nice
But if not
That’s alright since I understand resolution
And death is a hard mystery
Especially yours
Rawer than any others I’ve known
But that might be because I’m older
They will only get worse from here on out
And my acceptance phase is apparently getting snagged
But I can conjure your memory still
Your voice still is in my head
Not just tiny snippets like the others
You know just how things are for me
And I really shouldn’t be bothered
But if you’re a ghost
You can materialize for real
That’s it though
And I never thought
You are polonius
And I ophelia
And your death is willow-green still
Unlike the others that are autumnal leaves
I’ve become familiar enough with those to delight in the beauty
This is still a fresh wound that keeps re-opening
And it’s making me longwinded
But you never minded that before
I hope you don’t mind it now
And I know you know
I love you
Blood isn’t thicker than water
Kindness is
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