Since I am pedantic about things like this-
I decided to write one more poem before the epilogue-
Since that way the number of poems will be a significant number-
So I thought I should listen to another song that I hide instead of cope with-
This one is chosen, since I've been stifling my sadness for it all my life-
'Baby Mine' from Dumbo
I already miss mama, so this'll be harder than usual
Even the charming, oboe and lilts of the music lead up to sadness I know I'm not prepared to feel
I've been conditioned to cry at this since mama always cried at this
And that's kind of the point
I'm so glad they had this version on i-tunes
I try to explain to my friends who scoff at me just how sad this is
Someone is kept from a loved one
That is torture
And she's kept imprisoned from trying to save him
Mama sang this to me when we'd watch this together
And it meant lots since I was teased for things out of my control
Most kids are
But this never fails to make me cry
Since I'm so close to my mum
And there have been times when she was all I had
And I was all she had
She'd already lost John
And in a way I never really had dad
So we were all we had for each other
And I know it's inevitable that we would have to go our separate ways
It's part of growing up
And on a daily basis I don't really miss her all that much
But times like this
When I'm alone in my dorm-room
And this song is playing
I'm allowed to miss her
It's not like when my weekend phone-calls with her are under surveillance by the roommates and all their friends
I can miss her when I'm in this state
Because I've lost people for real
And this is just a rehearsal
And I want children of my own
I'm maternal to people my age and older, already-
And I couldn't think of anything more horrific than being separated from your child
Your own child when they are still a child
And I know I'm sobbing over disney movies, but that's nothing new
Bambi's mom never left much of an impact
It was this
Because they are both alive but kept apart
With death I at least find comfort in my hodgepodge spirituality to think that there is some closure
With being apart from loved ones there's just sorrow
When I said last year that my greatest fear was losing loved ones
I wasn't referring to death or family
I meant being parted, through no fault of your own from those you care about
People just like short cuts and think loss means death and loved-ones means family
I have nothing to grieve over
I just need to work through missing her
Since I know she misses me
She goes out of her way quite enough to tell me
But I'm glad of that
Since when I can't contact my other beloveds at home
And my own father doesn't hug me goodbye
It's nice to know that someone cares enough to miss you
Especially someone you miss equally
But Christmas will come soon enough
I can't think of the time I longed so much for christmas
It isn't Halloween and that's my usual top priority
And I adore it here
I just wish it was as easy as meeting her at Giordano's or something
I have so much to tell her that isn't fit for the voyeuristic crowd's ears
I have so much to show her that can't simply be attached by email
Christmas will be wonderful; it'll be the best Christmas ever!
Especially since she's already given me the best present ever, of helping me be here!
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