'I Must Go On Standing' by Ravyn LaRue

I'm really not good at hiding emotions, in a physical sense-
People know when I've been crying, and they make me hug them
I'd like to think this isn't a bad thing
But truthfully, I don't want it.
I may have to go back on the pills that make me miserable
I suppose I've had depression in a chemical way-
And now they want it to commence again
I wrote some damn good poetry at that time-
But that's really not much of a consolation
But I need to cry now
I'll walk the city streets with tears in my eyes, even though people don't like that
I'll get stopped with shrieks of,
"Cheer up, Bitch!"
But I just want coffee so I can do homework and take my mind off those pills.
No, I can't do this now
I just need to cry
Just a few songs, that's all I need
Straight and Thirty Whacks
It was good back then
I had a cast of characters to grieve with me
And an antagonistic figure I could blame all my sorrows on
Here I'm surrounded with smiling faces
And my beloved broken bird is gone for the time
But my homework is due at 11:55
So I better hurry up and feel this
So I can purge it from my system and carry on with homework without crying.
No wonder my eyes hurt this week- they were bracing themselves.
Even the sadness isn't right; it should be right.
And the sun is setting; I'm warned not to walk alone at night in this city.
I've pulled all nighters in saint paul, but that's different.
"Don't give up now, make friends instead of going out, go home instead of getting dressed, go back to bed-"
I suppose my study needed some realism-
This is miserable-
Method acting is good and all, but this hurts.
"You're going to die either way", she says,
"But this way of dying is far healthier for you-"
I can't think when she speaks like that
I lose my keys and smear the lipstick that hides my cracked lips.
And Jon comes in thinking I'm the suicidal loner
This is the proof he needs to show that I am what he pegged me as-
And it's selfish, I suppose, but I'm so glad my beloved artists can share the feelings I have now-
Or at least play them well enough to trick me.
After these last two minutes or so I've resigned myself to leave.
Emotions beget emotions, and although I love art, I need to stifle for now-
It isn't stopping this, it's saving this for when I have time-
And I know I'm in denial, but truly I cannot fail at my schoolwork
It was hard enough for me to make it here, I can't dash my dreams for depression.
That would be an awful choice.
And I'll cry in the streets and I'll make it somewhere, and I'll make it someday-
That's what I take from it all-
"I may tire myself out from struggling and drown, but I will not sink."