'Clouds' by Ravyn LaRue

Oh this is certainly the prime choice for the role I set out for it to be
Since I never listened to it in its entirety since I know the backstory
I know his best friend
I saw her cry on that day
And I know, like most, this sounds too happy
I remember her feet dancing on the plywood stage as she prayed he wouldn't end up being a hero
Since heros sacrifice themselves
And he did, but she was left
He says, "It would be ripped right out of his hands"
It hurts that he's so obvious about what he's talking about
It's easier to substitute hypothetical than know the truth
Ah- I got to it- I'm crying
Because she is an angel and I think, I know he loved her
And I know she loved him, because I saw her that day at school
When she sobbed in class
And we all knew
And nothing you can sat could ever possibly lessen the blow
So I said nothing
But I thought a world of words
And I wish I could've said something
It would've been useless, but it would've been something
God, these lyrics-
I need to read her book
And keep in touch
And hug her when I visit home
I know she has him still
Well, I don't know, but I believe
And I need to fess up to these things-
I can't just say-
"Oh spirits exist and he has her still"
Though I may believe
I can't just wash away the tragedy like that
All the dumb phrases of-
"Bad things happen to good people"
Well, of course
Bad things happen to everyone
But then this happens
And she of all people to lose such love
The lights went out in my place of writing
And I am terribly superstitious
Of course during the sadness of the bridge
I need to show her this
It could be the something that my stupid self couldn't dare say since I was too selfish thinking I'd say something wrong.
I'll continue writing in the dark
I don't care
He speaks of the Lazarus pit
The same space I cried over to a friend who still exists in the flesh
I have no right to complain
When she in all her beauty still smiles her gorgeous smile and dances across the pretty plywood stage
It's ironic, really, since it happened on the day when I sang and sobbed over my own dead daughter
And though I have my own Beths and Zachs
She is the one who deserves the catharsis, not I
But I'll listen to the song until I've said all I need to
And it may be all night
It may be all year
It may be all my life
But I'll quote my own character
"This has got to mean something, most of all when a life has been so brief-"
I almost had the guts-
Almost-
To tell her at prom that I sang that part for her
Yes, for my family
Yes, for myself
Yes, for all of everything
But most of all, for her
Even when I knew she was, as she should be, doing what she needed to do to cope, not seeing some show put on for pity
But I wanted to tell her the things I had to say
The script spoke truth, though I stayed away
And I hate the feeling of not being able to help- but I bloody-well should've tried-
Since she tried and succeeded in helping me more than I ever told her
And I know he was her friend
So I know he was kind
And it breaks my heart-
Maybe that dumb old phrase is right-
Bad things happen to good people
But she is strong
And I know she loves gutsy tragic roles
And is given comic relief
(I know so many souls like that)
But in the truth of life, mine at least, she is both
And she thrives
Which is so much more than could be said of me if that happened
And I know I should think of him
But all I know is this voice flowing through my headphones
But I believe in ghosts and spirits, and I feel goodness radiating
And this song proves more good than bad
Even if I cry over things I don't have the right to claim as my own sorrows
When I see her at Christmas I will tell her
In my usual in-articulation, praying not to shove my foot down my throat
But I will say something
And do that dumb allegory I speak of-
I'll try handing her my heart, though sloppy and stupid it might be-
She deserves any and all I could give, since so much has been taken from her-
She's worth a whole lot more than the whole sweep of those damn constellations.