I think what upsets me most about myself in this effort is how I claim and long to have no filter whatsoever when it only becomes clearer and clearer that I do indeed have one.
I want to be like Joe and Briggle and all the rest who fascinate me in that way-
Because although holding back isn't all bad, though I may be biassed, it is inherently compromising one's self.
It all goes back to how much of one's self is safe to show.
I know I'm dumb and possibly my efforts will be fruitless but I want to be open entirely in the art that I make.
I know there are gross things festering within my soul, but I don't think it's right to show the glimmering wonders if I don't reveal the bad.
There needs to be balance, and I need moral ambiguity in myself.
I'm all too sick of polarizing parts of angelic and demonic-
I am the thing between the two, and that's how it ought to stay.
Since everyone has badness and goodness to them, I strive to be both courageous and idiotic enough to let both of my extremes to be shown in a soup of equal parts.
Though it may be an impossible goal, and humans, as they are fear the darkness.
I can't help but have the concepts swimming in my brain, that if you expose the sin and sick it will no doubt be fueled and consume you-
That's why horror exists as it's own thing, that simple little concept-
And it frightens me, but I'm not turned off-
I see the Wendigo and say- "Yes show me more!"
Maybe that's just more conditioning, I saw the monster and thought- "Oh poor dear, he has sweetness, I'm sure!"
And that's stupid, in a way, though it goes fluidly in both directions-
People always sigh, "There's a little bit of good in everyone" and encourage that good to be indulged upon
Whereas I see letting the anguish and vitriol simmer inside for no one to see would let the acid burn away at the good one may still have hiding-
Which is why I let mine out in increments under odd identities online
I'm good with sadness- I do it, so to speak-
I am comfortable crying in front of the masses, but sadness is oft considered one of the bad things.
But I feel powerful, as odd as it may seem, after convulsing about and shedding some tears
Since I always feel cleansed and filled with some beautiful nutritious light-
The ruddy cheeks, reddened eyes and weak eyelids are, to me, the only beauty I need.
And though I may be crying over nothing, as some seem to think-
I'm a self-aware sap and I'm rejuvenated by it.
Which is why I have to keep getting more and more comfortable with it-
The thought of other humans deeming me as lesser due to it is causing me to go back to stoic stiff-upper-lip
Which is awful for me-
It's awful for me-
When I feel I'm broken and revealing too many of my cracks, I end up gaining the most.
So, although this may not be what humans should do in order to function in our pedantic society-
I'm content with being a non-functioning creature if it means my odd intensity binds me to others
As, thus far, it has most definitely done.
An instance I recall truly made miracles happen-
And it was one of the most beautiful moments in my life-
My friend held my heart with all its pumping juice flowing all over-
And he wasn't afraid, we were more comfortable with each other in that precise moment than anyone ever before, I feel.
That was beauty and I seek out beauty-
If I can replicate that feeling in the slightest by revealing more and more and more-
Then it isn't a matter of if; it's a matter of when.
And it will happen someday, when I'm dumb and brave enough to reveal it all, in all I do.
It will happen-
I need it to survive.
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