Sometimes I question whether I actually like things as they are
Or whether I'm just setting myself up for adversity
So when I scale the mountains I made I can shout
"Ha- so there!"
The fact that I can be this lethargic
At this young an age
And entirely dash the things I must do
I don't know what to make of it
Other than that it isn't that good
They say-
"Only losers miss high-school-"
And I am and I do
But it isn't just that
I have a habit of missing all that's vast and un-holdable
So it's impossible to ever possess those moments in the same way ever again
I'm certain I've already had eight or twenty midlife crisises already
Perhaps that's why I can relate
I have to tune out music that makes me miss people
With music that just makes me sad
In an odd triumphant way
Since I like that
I'm cool with that
Sadness in a triumphant way
I'm certain I'm good at making life much more difficult
But I go on
I must go on
And that's why I don't mind it
I suppose if I had stayed I would be angry at myself for not trying
It's a double edged sword
Really, I suppose it'd be asking too much to expect I'd thrive anywhere
But I don't falter either
And I'm closer to triumph than falling
Thankfully... I think
This is just drabble
But I was on the verge of breakthrough once
That was back then
That was when I was home
That was when I was young
And now I feel so out of touch and old
My comrades sneer and scoff at childish things
And I just want to swim in them
These artists, as they claim to be, shun imagination and ambiguity
I want my people to cling to
Since here I have no one real
And all I want is to make art and sleep all day
And I love when I can
But the times when I must stretch myself
And fit a mold I was never before forced into
I can't help but gag at the thought of it all
Give me my friends again
I need them in the flesh
Warmth from computers is not the same as hugs
A muffled voice contorted into skype means nothing when I used to hear her sing every day
Typed words were only a fraction and now it's what I must survive on
He says, from far away I can tug on his heartstrings
And I say
"Dear, just you wait until I try to. You'll cry, I'm sure. And that trademark apathy will melt away. We were children together and that's what I need again. I think you need it too."
Anyways.
I'm a child again, but no one wants to be young with me.
And a child left alone is bound to get scared and sad.
She's right you know, the older you get the further away you stay from growing up.
I probably sound stupid, by now.
I need to walk home in the dark anyways
Past the halloween decorations and hiding wendigos (of course)
I can do homework at home
And this place is only making me miss it all worse
I care about physicality
I took three pages of notes, just for the sake of my halloween costume
But that's the point I mean to make
She's right-
Here it's all so surface
Back home I have something to touch
Our love is fathomable
And people aren't as hateful
But I'm subjecting myself to this nevertheless
On the small assumption that I might be able to make it somehow
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