I'm remembering why, now,
why I was reluctant in the first place
to catch up on journaling-
meaning writing about
(meaning reliving)
Columbia stuff
and I know I oughtn't be this distraught
there are bad things in this world
and my qualms pale in comparison
but still, for me, this was something
and I have to give myself breaks between journaling
since my heart is good at
propelling me back to moments that make me feel deeply
(and I'm thankful that it has this talent sometimes)
but I don't want to be stuck in a Starbucks on Dearborn
staring out a window into the blackness of 5:00 AM
having to remind myself it'll all be over soon
having to remind myself that my family will be here soon to rescue me
doing things like gorging on chips
and comparing myself to my fictional darlings
in a half-assed attempt of coping with whatever it was that held my soul captive
I don't need to be there right now
I'm in my apartment in Saint Paul
things did, in fact, get better
but I'm the sort that feels the need to document their life
for better and for worse
but instead of moving forward
I'm finding myself looking up Chicago locations on google maps
and retching within myself
screaming
"this was supposed to work out
but you had to be a coward
so many had it worse
and they're doing fine
but you're dwelling
cause you can't even listen to the advice given
by the fictional darling you were comparing yourself to-
... just drink your stuff and catch up with journaling
then we can maybe stand a chance at progressing forward
instead of letting bigotry and mediocrity drag you back
come on now-
pull yourself together for once"
and so I'm trying to.
why I was reluctant in the first place
to catch up on journaling-
meaning writing about
(meaning reliving)
Columbia stuff
and I know I oughtn't be this distraught
there are bad things in this world
and my qualms pale in comparison
but still, for me, this was something
and I have to give myself breaks between journaling
since my heart is good at
propelling me back to moments that make me feel deeply
(and I'm thankful that it has this talent sometimes)
but I don't want to be stuck in a Starbucks on Dearborn
staring out a window into the blackness of 5:00 AM
having to remind myself it'll all be over soon
having to remind myself that my family will be here soon to rescue me
doing things like gorging on chips
and comparing myself to my fictional darlings
in a half-assed attempt of coping with whatever it was that held my soul captive
I don't need to be there right now
I'm in my apartment in Saint Paul
things did, in fact, get better
but I'm the sort that feels the need to document their life
for better and for worse
but instead of moving forward
I'm finding myself looking up Chicago locations on google maps
and retching within myself
screaming
"this was supposed to work out
but you had to be a coward
so many had it worse
and they're doing fine
but you're dwelling
cause you can't even listen to the advice given
by the fictional darling you were comparing yourself to-
... just drink your stuff and catch up with journaling
then we can maybe stand a chance at progressing forward
instead of letting bigotry and mediocrity drag you back
come on now-
pull yourself together for once"
and so I'm trying to.
No comments:
Post a Comment