'niepewność' by Ravyn LaRue

I’ve always been insecure
not always in terms of body issues
or worries of whether I’m pretty enough
or all the usual concerns that most girls seem to have
I’ve shed all those, for the most part

And I no longer worry that there’s better singers than I
I sing anyways

But now the issues I’ve always had
before I cared how I looked or how my voice sounded
are returning

Telling me to grow a thicker skin
and reminding me how much intelligence I lack

I’m somehow still brought to ruin
by D’s on tests
and people telling me I’m far too sensitive
and I scare myself with the things I think and feel

I had a dream last night
in which girls told me I was ugly
to which I responded by singing Sondheim harmonies
and I felt flawless then

But if girls those girls had surrounded me and said
I was maladjusted and the emotions I felt were just hormones raging
and threw numbers at me, causing me to be baffled and feel useless
I’d probably crumble
because I’m dumb and unstable like that

I now feel the need to preface everything I do with
“Now I know I’m not the smartest, but-“
and
“I might be emotionally volatile, but-“

I just wish I could be as strong
and unapologetic
and tameless in my openness
with issues of intellect and psyche
as I am with my voice and body

I recently remembered
a lyrics I wrote when I was eleven
to the tune of ‘God Save The Queen’
right after I was placed in the B class
forever proving to my malleable mind
that I’d forever be one of the dumb kids:

“We the B class pledge to thee
that we will always be
much dumber than the A’s
until the end of days”

And I remember how
the times I heard “get a thicker skin”
grew to the hundreds
by the end of each week

And I usually just joke
of crying in Starbucks’
and relating to ‘Bart Gets An F’
but as I become unhinged myself
the jokes begin to lose their humor