'Why Are You Trying To Find Yourself You Should Be Trying To Find A Job' by Ravyn LaRue

Anytime I'm on deadline
for something society deems important
my psyche says

"Nope- we're having an existential crisis
so now's the time to shut down

we should go to europe
we should get a job
we should write songs
or make movies
or re-try other such past failures

after all
some of your idols
are songwriters and movie makers
we should do like them
some of your idols
live in london
we should live in London too
some of your idols
live in california
we should live in California
some of your idols
live in chicago
we should live in Chica-
oh wait, we tried that
we failed
remember
REMEMBER
REMEMBER?!?!?!?!"
but I digress

now
while we're on deadline
and have less than an two hours
to write three papers
indeed now is the time
to go running into your mothers room sobbing
"I would've traded all the good of last semester
for some artistic fulfillment
but I still don't have it"

and she says
"oh don't worry
I still don't have artistic fulfillment"
and I don't know how to respond
since she doesn't even identify as an artist
she doesn't make art anymore
and she doesn't see that as a big deal
whereas if I were her age
unable to make art
I'd feel worse than dead

she says
"be a teacher instead"
and that seems so unfathomable right now
helping children pursue their passions
and shepherding them into their destinies
when I'm stumbling over my bloody own

and I sprawl out
and cry to whatever star guides me
"why can't I know where to go"
but I know
going anywhere wouldn't help
until the tempest in my heart
at least calms to it's usual preternatural ebb and flow

and gifs of Janis Joplin
on tumblr tell
"Come to California"
and Broadway belts lovingly
"Come to New York"
while my cousin
refuses jobs
that'd fly her all over the world
for free vacations
just to wine and dine some philanthropists

and I see beloveds
thriving
and rooting themselves to new families
all the while
it's two in the morning
and I'm writing my usual bad poetry